They say you just can’t get rid of a gun anymore. Used to be, disposing of a gun was easy. But nowadays, it’s all difficult and stuff. To test this theory, I have purchased a gun.
Trial 1: I throw the gun into a wheat field.
Result: Gun is returned to me by a very irate farmer who scolds me for breaking his tractor. Gun is a bit scuffed, but intact. I’m surprised that the farmer found me, but not that surprised because my dad is a farmer and I threw the gun in his wheat field. This is especially bad because tractor repairs will come out of my allowance.
Trial 2: I throw the gun into a different wheat field.
Result: Gun is returned by my dad’s friend, the farmer next door. I guess my dad mentioned it to him when I broke our tractor with the gun. I think ordering the gun with the engraved nameplate was a mistake.
Trial 3: I present the gun to a friend as a birthday gift.
Result: Not particularly enamored with my gift, my friend passes the gun on to another friend, who, not realizing the gun’s source, gives it to me for my birthday the following week.
Trial 4: I hide the gun in the sandbox of an elementary school playground.
Result: Child digs up gun and immediately chases me down to return it, after shooting his classmates to death. Loading the gun probably isn’t integral to my experiment.
Trial 5: The stakes have gotten higher now that the cops are searching for the guy who brought a gun to a playground. I throw the gun off a cliff into the ocean.
Result: Beach cops pass by and I hide in a garbage can. Meanwhile some surfer catches the gun, and while leaving the beach throws it away in the exact garbage can in which I am hiding. Rather implausible if you ask me.
Trial 6: I leave the gun in a bus station locker and throw the key into a bus bound for Denver.
Result: The bus station finds the gun while doing a routine locker check. I was careful to wipe my fingerprints off the gun, but the bus station also tracks down the key with the help of a GPS homing chip hidden in the orange part. My fingerprints are on the key, and the gun is politely returned to me with a message instructing me to keep better track of my key next time.
Trial 7: I donate the gun to the guns-for-toys program.
Result: I receive a toy gun. The police arrest me when they realize it was my gun that was used in the elementary school killings. I make a daring escape from the police station by stealing a gun and holding a cop hostage. Only afterwards do I realize the gun I have stolen is my own. D’oh!
Trial 8: I mail the gun to Mexico.
Result: Three months later, while vacationing in Mexico, I am shot and robbed.