Masturbator Retires Jessica Simpson Fantasy

After a single viewing of Newlyweds, the MTV reality series chronicling the married life of pop stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, UC Berkeley sophomore Pete Klein permanently retired his Jessica Simpson masturbatory fantasy, Klein announced Friday.

“She’s still really hot and everything, but dude, that personality really kills it for me,” said a stunned Klein, mere minutes into the Newlyweds episode. “I never thought I’d say that,” Klein noted moments later.

Klein’s fantasy, friends said, involved meeting Simpson backstage, where she and Klein would share an erotic liason so pleasurable that Simpson would invite him to travel in her entourage as a personal sex slave. “Once he saw what it was like to be around her, I think he realized pretty quick that that fantasy was never going to work again,” said Ramon Perez, Klein’s best friend. Added Perez: “That Lachey is a saint. I can’t believe he hasn’t hit her yet.”

While he admitted that the revelation of Simpson’s personality was “tremendously disappointing,” Klein expressed hope that he could formulate a new fantasy that continues to make use of Simpson’s “smoking hot body.”

“You know, it would be more of a spite fuck kind of thing,” Klein explained. “I think I could work with that.”