Words from the Top

Thongs: Wrong!

Ladies: it’s enough with the thongs already. Time was, thongs were a magical fantasy garment that existed only in the realm of the imagination–the underwear so buttock-revealing that it could scarcely be considered clothing at all. Just a few years ago, you couldn’t pay the average girl enough to wear a thong. Thongs were for strippers and whores, and we liked it that way. Bad enough when regular underwear rides up one’s gluteal crack, females would say indignantly at the slightest joking suggestion of thong-wearing. Why would you want underwear that does nothing but?

Somehow, the female argument is now: I’m going to get a wedgie anyway, why not just get underwear that does that the whole time? Thanks to the use of the exact same logic to arrive at the exact opposite conclusion, the thong, once little more than a myth, has practically become a standard. Unlike men’s fashion, where the widespread switch from briefs to boxers offered not only greater comfort but also a more dignified and appealing appearance, the rise of the thong has brought only disaster.

Unfortunate enough that the thong’s sudden surge in popularity coincided with fashionable pants/shorts/skirts hanging at their lowest level in decades, leading to an epidemic of the embarrassing and unsightly thong peek-a-boo. Worse still is the irrational, overblown concern over visible panty line. Once, thongs were employed judiciously, so as not to allow panty lines to spoil a particularly elegant prom dress. Now thongs do daily duty to prevent us from seeing a panty line on ugly pants so tight and transparent that they invariably feature the far less preferable visible thong line, accompanied by an inordinate amount of booty-jiggle.

You see, in the days when thongs were reserved for strippers and whores, one could rest assured that the only women wearing thongs were, by and large, those whose hard-bodied asses were equipped to function without the additional support provided by actual underpants. This was ideal, because thongs are ugly regardless of the situation; the only difference is that if an ass is perfect enough, we forgive the thong its ugliness because it is at least staying out of our view of the perfect ass. However, the average person should please bear in mind that thongs are unforgiving undergarments, and if you’re wearing one, please make sure your ass is prepared to carry the show on its own.

Finally, any trend that results in my fifteen-year-old little sister, for any reason, loudly declaring “I should have worn one of my many thongs with this dress,” while I frantically attempt to disable my hearing can’t possibly be at all good. So ladies, your widespread adoption of the thong standard has already spoiled the fantasy. Can’t we now be spared the horror of the reality? Let’s have done with all the thongs, please. Please.