An Anti-Pot Message from A Responsible Berkeley Alum

I used to be one of you, a college student who liked to smoke pot or was considering trying it. I have some important advice. Don’t smoke pot. I don’t want to sound preachy, old and out of touch, but please lend me your ear.

Throw that marijuana away. It may be innocent fun for a while, but eventually you’ll get hooked.

Every minute of your day will be spent smoking weed, buying weed, cleaning your bong, calling your dealer, and talking about how great your life is now that you smoke weed. You’ll have very little time to concentrate on other things like healthy relationships, school, in short your future. You’ll become a boring college cliche.

It happened to me, and I’m here to warn you that this trap can take years to get out of. So I’m asking you to put down that pipe, get rid of that joint, throw away those brownies, and promise me you’ll never get high on THC again. OK? Good.

What you need is magic mushrooms. These magical fungi will give your life just the kick in the pants it needs. Just try it once, and you’ll be converted. However, a lot of people aren’t sure what to do with those dried up turkey-jerky-looking pieces of heaven, so I’m here to help.

Here’s what you do. Buy some mushrooms from a credible source. Don’t pick them in the wild because chances are you’ll die, and it’s harder to get high that way. Get together with a small group of people you really like being around. Never do ‘shrooms with anyone you are the slightest bit annoyed by because you will want to kill them but you will be laughing too hard to hold a knife.

When dividing up the mushrooms, try maybe one cap and three or four stems per person.

Get some orange juice and some strongly f lavored foods, like a pepperoni pizza or chips and salsa or something. With each bite of the stuff, bite off some of the food, and drink a ton of orange juice. The mushrooms taste like straw that’s been marinated inside a dead coyote’s ass for a year, so this is why I’m making a big deal out of the eating part. You don’t want to let the taste stop you from embarking on an adventure that makes skydiving look like a trip to the library.

Once you’ve consumed the ‘shrooms, relax for awhile, listen to music, maybe talk to your friends about foreign policy or how many kids you want to have.

When the shit kicks in, my advice ends. The magic pixie dust will circulate through your body, and before you know it, you’ll be having the time of your life.

I feel like I got a little sidetracked from the message of this article, which is to stop all of you promising young people from making a huge life mistake. Don’t smoke dope, OK? I care about you.