A Camping Trip

6:50 pm: This sucks. Where’s the rest of the crew? Tim Dog was supposed to show up 2 hours ago with Bob Cat, Gerbil John, and a case of brew. What the shit is this? It’s cold, getting dark, and I’ve had to use all of the emergency camping TP for rolling papers. Not like I’m wasteful or anything; I was in Boy Scouts. It’s just that making a bong out of a pinecone didn’t work like I thought it would. Where are those bitches? Maybe I should’ve given them more specific directions than “Oregon.”

7:22 pm: Dude, I’m so hungry. I think I’ll catch a rabbit and fry it up. Yeah.

7:28 pm: Alright, most people don’t know this, but rabbits are FAST.

7:34 pm: They’re also smart. I tried lying to that furry bitch, telling him I wasn’t gonna kill him, he saw right through me. He wouldn’t even come close enough to beat him with my shoe! Pussy. Then I tried sweet-talking him and that one worked like fucking clockwork too. “Yo bunny! I just wanna holla at’cha!” No dice. Still, I thought I caught that look in his eye, the one that says “I’m more than a little curious about getting’ my interspecies freak on…” Stupid gay rabbit.

8:46 pm: Dinner is served. It wasn’t good eating or easy to cook, but then again, what is? Shit, if Tim Dog was here, he’d probably have some hot pockets. Then he’d make some dumbass comment like “Dude, why’d you eat the backseat of your car?” He doesn’t know. It’s hard to fuck a rabbit’s shit up; a Geo, on the other hand, is easy.

9:12 pm: Man, I’m going stir crazy out here! Those guys were supposed to bring some girls along and I was going to get laid! Oh well, guess I’ll just go have sex with that mound of dirt. Again.

9:23 pm: I think I’m starting to go a little nuts. I keep having this vision that a bear comes out of the woods to attack me, except he’s that Downy snuggle-bear, right? So he comes up to me to fight or hug or I don’t know what, and I grab him in a headlock and just start whaling on his springtimesoft head. So I’m punching him like a man, like he’s Hitler in a hockey jersey or something, and then he’s all shrieking for mercy and shit. It’s this really high-pitched cooing “Noooooo!” like in the commercial. I start laughing and pound him even harder. So while he’s down, I get the car cigarette lighter to burn his genitals off and–Oh dude, it’s T-dog with the brew! Oh, me? Nothing, just been bored.