Second Oldest American Just Wants to Die Already

113-year old John McMorran lives a quiet life, having long since lost the powers of sight and hearing, as well as being bedridden since the age of 100. McMorran spends his days in a world of unfathomable boredom, except for the twenty minutes a day when caregivers open his window and allow him to enjoy the sensation of wind on his face. His one remaining purpose in life: to outlast Mary Christian, the recently-crowned holder of the title Oldest American, seven days his senior.

“We’re all so proud of him,” said McMorran’s thirty-year old great-grandson, Peter McMorran. “Or at least, we’re going to be, just as soon as this Mary Christian hag drops off.”

“We were so close to winning it,” lamented McMorran’s sixty-four year old niece Agnes Toffler. Then Mary Christian’s people had to go and dig up her proof of age just before the deadline. Man, that pissed me off. I really want Uncle John to win the title so we can finally let him die.”

McMorran himself is equally enthusiastic about outlasting Christian. “My family says they won’t pay for a proper burial unless I give this my all,” he shouted to reporters wildly, his deafness making it difficult for him to properly modulate his voice. “Otherwise I would have given up long ago.”