Restroom Etiquette

Dear Mr. Rothenberg,

It has come to our understanding that, unlike many males your age, you were raised by a pack of wolves.

Unfortunately, at this late age you’ve never learned the proper etiquette for certain ‘masculine-only’ institutions. It’s possible you’ve learned that a proper male always sits with his legs primly wide open, so that the crotch can breathe. And that to acknowledge passed gas, the hand is raised halfway, then a little nod is given. But you probably don’t know how to do that cool double hand slap from Top Gun, during the volleyball scene, or that the proper etiquette for lovemaking entails not pulling out until she is firmly and politely impregnated.

Most challenging of all is the Men’s Restroom, such a warren of challenging etiquette that Isaac Asimov spent half of his book “Caves of Steel” on it. Here are some pointers:

1. Despite common usage, it is acceptable to glance at the next door Urinal if you have reason to believe its occupant has an unusual wang. This may be because of ethnic stereotypes, an unusual height or weight, and five ‘just becauses’ a year.

2. After urinating, many men exit without using the wash. This is unacceptable. The correct etiquette is to sprinkle the hand lightly with water, as if to fool your Mother. When shaking hands with another male, grasp firmly using the hand that has just held the penis. His own penis germs will war with your own, providing a non-violent means of establishing dominance.

3. As their inefficient bladder design makes restroom visits long, on occasion female visitors will enter the Men’s Restroom. This can be borne with fortitude so long as a tampon doesn’t appear, in which case it is appropriate to get a case of the severe ickies.4. Please, do not speak in the Men’s Restroom! Many of us are silently contemplating the heartbreaking loneliness of a masculine existence, and do not wish to be disturbed. 5. The ancient rule holds that if you ‘shake more then three times, you’re just playing with it.’ While true in the past, today’s powerful urine may require vigorous whapping to be shaken loose. Thoughts of a past lover or popular underwear model may help.

6. If your urine is red or green, please consult a physician. Unless it is Christmas, in which case you are in the Holiday Spririt.

7. Some restaurants and bars pipe soft music into their restrooms. Please remember that you are there to urinate, not to groove.

There are, of course, many other challenges to be faced, including the proper expression to exude during a prostate exam (in brief, not aroused), gracefully dying several years younger then your spouse, and what to do about that horrible floppy thing below the waist. But this should get you on the road. Godspeed!

Yrs, – Men