Pssst.. Hey loser! I’m talking to you. Yeah, you with the eyebrows and teeth. Let me ask you a question. Do you want to get all the Ladies? Do you want to be that guy who makes out with a bunch of chicks? Do you want to know what it’s like to actually feel a girl’s breast rather than than pendulous bosoms of your obese guy friends? Well, that’s what I’m here for. It’s time for a lesson from the all-knowing, the all-sexy, the all-time leading scorer with the ladies, me, THE ALPHA MALE!!
Here are some common questions that I, THE ALPHA MALE!!, so often receive:
If I like a girl, how should I approach her?
Well first you have to have one thing. Actually one thing times two: testicles. Then, hit the gym. Work off those 4 chins and that spare monster-truck tire straddling your waist. Now you can at least appear to be a man. Also, ditching the cut-offs and Birkenstocks will help.
Then what do I do?
First, you have to somehow completely change your personality. You need to be more like me, THE ALPHA MALE!! First, stop playing Sim-Hot Date. That’s not going to help you get laid at all, unless they invent virtual reality…for my cock! Next, B.U.M. equipment clothing went out with the early 90’s and you’re not going to bring it back. Finally, wearing Hyper-colorGA$A3 and slap bracelets will get you rejected faster than a black guy applying to Stanford.
When I do get a Girlfriend, how should I keep things spicy?
HEY, HEY, HEY! Hold on just a second! Before you spice the beef, somebody’s got to kill the cow, and you sir haven’t even milked a goat. Ok, but let’s say that the moon does collide with Jupiter and a girl allows you to be seen talking to her. You’re going to have to focus on keeping her completely isolated from males that are, most likely, much more attractive than you. The only real solution, besides jabbing her eyes out, is to make sure you have all your even less attractive friends come over to hang out. Guys like Joey the Eunuch, or Nick the Nose-Hair Moustache Guy. This will make her see that, even though you are extremely unattractive (and stupid), there are still a few more drops at the bottom of the barrel.
Let’s say I am at a bar, how can I get a girl to go home with me?
Well, if you were me, THE ALPHA MALE!!, they would beg at your feet to come home with you. But you’re not me, and chicks won’t pick up on you or even glance in your direction. That is why you should focus on one thing: booze. Women at any age are very prone to losing all judgment (or if you’re really lucky, consciousness) when they drink. So, find the girl you want and go up to her. Tell her you own the bar and, while it appears that you are paying for drinks, the money is actually being deposited directly to your bank account. Once she is confident you are willing to pay for any drink she orders, just keep them coming. Then, after she gets done drinking away your college savings, you go in for the move. Just remember to keep safe. Pulling out is my preferred method.
When I go to parties where women will be present, should I dress up or down?
Even though I am the all-time sexer-upper of the females, answering this question is not easy. Mostly because no matter how you dress, you sir will still look like a big pussy. I laugh at you! Ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha! I laugh at your 1940’s haircut, your pallid complexion which is reminiscent of Alaska in winter, your abilities to seduce are only marginally better than those of an elderly coal-miner on life support. I laugh some more! Ha ha ha, ha ha ha! If I were you, I would avoid the embarrassment of even being seen at parties. Save your nice outfits for your trips to a strip club, where you can enjoy feeling of being wanted, for just 20 dollars every 5 minutes.
THE ALPHA MALE!! has spoken.