There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus Christ is the most popular guy around, even though he’s been dead for millions of years. And I’m not the only one because there are a lot of people that love Jesus as well. Most of these people are religious and don’t want to go to hell. But even if you are a hell bound atheist sinner, you still have to admit that Jesus is one cool dude.
Why, you ask? Because Jesus is a winner, and he strived to be the best. And everyone loves a winner. You see, Jesus dedicated his life to performing miracles, and he performed more miracles than anyone before or anyone since. It didn’t matter how big or small the miracle was; Jesus would perform miracles every day like it was game day. If you were hungry because you forgot to pack a lunch, Jesus would make bread and fish appear so you wouldn’t go hungry. How cool is that? That’s why so many people in Africa wished Jesus were still alive.
Say your bitch ass friends forgot to bring the booze like they were supposed to. If Jesus was at your party, then Jesus would make some schnapps out of water just like that. And if you’re bumming out because that slut from the party gave you some funny looking warts on your penis, just forget about it. Because Jesus will fix you right up. Don’t worry, Jesus doesn’t have to touch your penis to heal it; he doesn’t swing that way. Even if you fell into a ditch and accidentally died, Jesus would bring you back to life. And he would do all this for free, because he wanted to perform more miracles than anyone else. That’s how dedicated Jesus was to performing miracles.
How did Jesus get so good at performing miracles? This isn’t in the Bible, but rumor has it that Jesus traveled to Asia and hung out with the ruler of all Asia, King Confucius, who was really good at performing miracles. But Jesus was such a good learner, and so dedicated, that he soon performed miracles even better than King Confucius did. That’s why no one ever hears about King Confucius performing any miracles: Jesus got so much better that everyone forgot about King Confucius. So King Confucius decided to stop performing miracles and became a philosopher. But King Confucius was so bitter that he kicked Jesus out of Asia and made him go back to Europe.
Basically, if you think that Jesus isn’t cool, then you can just forget it! You’re are going to hell where Jesus’ immortal enemy, Satan, will cook you in really hot fire and eat you.