In this, my final Words from the Top as your beloved Editor-in-Chief, I’d like to now take this opportunity to run down a list of as many terms for female genitalia as possible:

Pussy. Vagina. Labia. Murderer’s Row. Twat. Pudendum. … Read More

January 19, 1871

Grandpa Wilhelm was crowned Emperor yesterday. I’ve spent the last fourteen hours crossing “Prussia” off his royal letterhead and replacing it with “Germany.” He told me it builds character. Unified German character.

November 18, 1890

After firing … Read More

Episode One

Secretary: Mr. Powell?
FCC Chairman Michael Powell: Yes?
Secretary: Your father’s on the line.
Powell: And?
Secretary: He doesn’t love you.

Episode Two

Secretary: Mr. Powell?
Powell: Yes?
Secretary: I’m pregnant.
Powell: You told me you were on … Read More

Who hasn’t whiled away hours sitting in front of expanded basic cable, skipping midday classes in favor of Kids in the Hall reruns or that episode of Mythbusters that you’ve seen five times already this week. Nevermind that it’s still … Read More

There’s a lot about this campus that’s unique. It’s a public institution with a private school pedigree. It’s a collection of bright young Californians surrounded by hepatitis-riddled street people and arrogant, ugly, frigid, self-hating, pretentious, quasi-hippie…

…pseudo-intellectual, bad-driving, sarong-wearing, think-they’re-worldly-and-spiritual-but-actually-just-obnoxious-and-superficial, … Read More

As a proud proponent of morality, heterosexuality, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the Holy Virgin Mother, and flossing, it is my duty as a God-fearing American to release for publication this diary. A diary written by a woman so … Read More

Recently uncovered and collected by the National Archives are personal journals kept by everyday citizens in the days following September 11, 2001. It is an attempt to preserve for all time these raw, incisive, and emotional accounts of what people … Read More

Now I know that you’re going to say that it’s impossible to win at slots, that each machine is programmed to retain a certain percentage and that each pull of the machine still gives you the exact same odds whether … Read More

There are few living things in this world more controversial, and I say this without hyperbole, than the tomato (Lycopersicon lycopersicum and Lycopersicon esculentum).

It is interesting to note that the tomato’s closest relatives in the plant kingdom … Read More