Words from the Top

Leonard Nimoy Was Right

Who hasn’t whiled away hours sitting in front of expanded basic cable, skipping midday classes in favor of Kids in the Hall reruns or that episode of Mythbusters that you’ve seen five times already this week. Nevermind that it’s still totally awesome when they fire the frozen chicken into the airplane windshield.

Regardless, back before I had to worry about “graduating” or “paying my cable bills,” I was a History Channel nut. I watched episode after episode of Modern Marvels, Wrath of God, and Inside the SS: Hitler’s Afternoon Tea Parties, or whatever other new angle they could use to show the same stock footage of World War II over and over again….

But my favorite programs of all were the reruns of that classic Leonard Nimoy vehicle In Search Of… I was partial in particular to the fascinating places, existing only in myth and legend, that Leonard and his camera-wielding posse went in search of. Places like Troy or Atlantis or Sodom and Gomorrah or a strip club with a less-than-$20 lapdance…. Alas, the program’s been off the air for a couple decades now, leaving many many mythical locations unexplored. If I could somehow get ahold of Leonard Nimoy, I’d first whack him upside the head for recording “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins,” then I’d get him to go in search of these other fantastical lands:

Kensington: Sure, AC Transit Bus #7 has it on its display, and it may appear on most Bay Area maps, but repeated attempts at tracking this elusive community down have proved fruitless. Time and again, cars mysteriously run out of gas and ethnic minorities spontaneously combust racistly whenever explorers have attempted to travel north of Solano Avenue.

Palestine: With all the press that it’s been getting, this seems to be the biggest scam of all time. Everyone seems to be buying in to the myth. Repeated examination of maps, both contemporary and historical, yields no mention of this legendary land. Several recent films have even claimed to have been filmed on location in Palestine. How can something be filmed in a place that doesn’t exist? This is truly an exploration requiring Nimoy’s astounding powers of insight.

Chick Fil-A: This chain of restaurants, referenced in Ben Folds songs, supposedly even sponsors a college bowl game, yet a thorough search of any Bay Area phone book is fruitless. Where are they? What do they serve? Why does it sound like the name of a South Indian porn star? Chana Masala and Chick Fil-A star in Dharma Does Delhi. But I digress….

The point is, go buy the Transformers movie so you can finally round out your Scatman Crothers DVD collection. Fuck Leonard Nimoy and his Sasquatch lover.