In this, my final Words from the Top as your beloved Editor-in-Chief, I’d like to now take this opportunity to run down a list of as many terms for female genitalia as possible:
Pussy. Vagina. Labia. Murderer’s Row. Twat. Pudendum. Pink taco. Bearded clam. The winking sailor. Love slot. Box. Vag. Cooch. Dickbag. Poon. Poonanny. Poonarl. Poontang. Slit. Triangle. Jewel of the Nile. Beaver. Cock cozy. Hitler’s gold. Muff. Sperm catcher. Mound. Cunt.
Thank you. Please note that the words above were listed so as to illustrate a political point about the recent crackdown on pornography and free expression by the Justice Department. Apparently, Attorney General John Ashcroft is a very religious man. He does not drink, smoke, consume caffeine, or, get this, dance. Because, as we all know, once you start dancing it’s only one step away from gay marriage and, following this to its logical conclusion, two steps away from eternal damnation and the degeneration of the United States into a gigantic dispensary for handjobs and fellatio.
But, moving on to the pressing matters of our time….
Let’s face it folks, the world as we know it is collapsing. Student groups’ funding is being slashed and slashed while the Graduate Assembly’s going to get more money to spend on reckless ideological campaigns, food at their meetings, and $10,000 stipends for their officers. Student fees keep going up, university funding keeps going down, rankings plummet, faculty leave, and Strawberry Creek gets more and more polluted with the tears of Hmong orphans.
Luckily, the University has stepped in to prevent these disastrous events with a little surprise solution: The Principles of Community.
Because when everything seems down and the sun’s wearing a frowny face, there’s nothing better at preventing the University of California system from having its reputation shat upon in a Schwarzenegger ‘roid rage than vaguely worded rhetoric about cordiality and compromise. Especially when that vaguely worded rhetoric intimates upon speech codes and a restriction on free expression. Three cheers to the University for bending over and taking it hard in the face of adversity.
Good luck to all y’all. I’m out of here and not a moment too soon. I’ll be sure not to let the Chancellor’s jowls hit me on the way out. Godspeed UC Berkeley, godspeed.