A Real Pro.

Now I know that you’re going to say that it’s impossible to win at slots, that each machine is programmed to retain a certain percentage and that each pull of the machine still gives you the exact same odds whether the machine has just had a pay out of $10,000 or has just raped an old woman for $500. That’s a common conception. It’s also a true one.

But I’ve found the secret to winning at slot machines. I’ve cracked Nevada’s diamond-plated cash cow. Here’s how:

What you’ll need:

$100-$200 in cash 1 large novelty casino coin bucket 2 extremely large duffel bags 1 pair of tennis shoes (New Balance, preferably) 1 pair of socks 1 medium-sized hammer 1 Casino Sales Senior Gambling Junket Brochure 2 granola bars, Nature Valley Trail Mix style

What you’ll do:

  • Upon arrival at your gambling destination of choice (I recommend Reno because of the general elderliness and trashiness of its visitors) enjoy one of your granola bars. You’ve earned it.

  • Duck into the bathroom. Drain bladder and evacuate bowels. Remember, a successful evacuation requires multiple life rafts.

  • After exiting the bathroom, throw one of your duffel bags on the floor and leave it. You only needed one, dumbass.

  • Since you’ve already consulted your Senior Gambling Junket Brochure to know when the big shipments of old people are coming to blow their fixed incomes, track down a row of them and set up base right next to someone with a cane and/or walker.

  • Deposit your cash into machine. Press the CASH OUT button and collect your coins into your casino coin bucket.

  • Eat second granola bar. For energy.

  • Pour quarters into one of your socks. If sock seems flimsy, double-layer your socks by inserting the first one into the second. Thanks to Mary Ann from Biloxi, MS for this tip!

  • When one of the senior junket gamblers hits big and has put his or her winnings into their own coin bucket, toss the duffel bag over his or her head spilling their coins all over the floor.

  • In the ensuing confusion, dart out the door (this is where those firmly treaded New Balance tennis shoes come in handy!)

  • If you face any security, fend them off by wielding the sock full of quarters and the hammer, using elaborate Asian-style ninja moves. If you don’t know any Asian-style ninja moves, improvise!

  • Jump into the boxcar of a passing freight train and go wherever the wind (and the train tracks) take you.

  • Eat another granola bar. In celebration.

Congratulations, you’ve just beat the casino and won at slots!