The Several Lost Diaries of Kaiser Wilhelm II

King of Prussia and Emperor of the Federated German States

January 19, 1871

Grandpa Wilhelm was crowned Emperor yesterday. I’ve spent the last fourteen hours crossing “Prussia” off his royal letterhead and replacing it with “Germany.” He told me it builds character. Unified German character.

November 18, 1890

After firing Chancellor Bismarck, I went through his desk. He left behind some pretty cool stuff: the parts of Germany still unaccounted for, a jar full of Napoleon III’s tears, several large pheasants, and a five-page pamphlet on how to beat France.

December 18, 1895

I was chastised by my cabinet today for not setting a strong enough example of German virtue for my people, so today I’ve vowed to cease defecating.

March 15, 1897

Argued over telegram today with my cousin-grandmother Victoria as to who was more anemic. Turns out it’s me. As a result, my doctor has me eating ten nails a day.

January 1, 1900

Fired my “Commission on the Y1.9K Mechanical Counting-Machine Bug” after their predictions that dirigible-balloons would fall out of the sky and millions would spontaneously die of consumption upon the Turn of the Century proved false.

June 28, 1914

Well I’ve finally done it this time. You make one drunken promise of mutual military defense to the emperor of Austria-Hungary and it blows up in your face. Or it blows up Archduke Franz Ferdinand’s face. Oh snap!

August 22, 1915

Thank God the Jews are funding the Great War. In exchange, I’ve promised them Germany’s undying gratitude. Hopefully, I won’t be forced to abdicate by victorious Allied Powers. Not that that’s going to happen or anything. Just sayin’.

January 16, 1917

Ordered Foreign Secretary Zimmerman to send a telegram to the Mexican head of state asking him for his killer menudo recipe. I do hope Zimmerman got the updated Imperial Army codebook.

November 9, 1918

Little do they know, the Netherlands have a lower tax rate anyway. Score one for Wilhelm!

November 11, 1918

Not much happened today. Nope, not a thing.

July 11, 1933

Wrote a missive to Chancellor Hitler today:

_”Dear Adolf-I’ve come to understand your desires to restore the monarchy. I would just like to assure you that I’ve kept the Hohenzollern family jewels and regalia well maintained. Each morning I rise at 5:00 and polish the Crown of Brandenburg. The next seven hours are spent standing in front of a mirror dressed in the Imperial Robes and sobbing gently. I then break for tea and take my anemia medication. I then resume sobbing until Amos ‘n’ Andy comes on the radio. _

Yours sincerely,


July 1, 1934

Turns out I was way off on the whole “restore the monarchy thing.” Hitler actually meant “seize total control of Germany and murder all political opposition.” Exiled to the Netherlands? More like protected from that nut job wacko in the Netherlands. Score two for Wilhelm!

June 4, 1941

Today I plan to die quietly in my sleep.