The Diary of Sarah “Lefty Mondale” Spruce

Enemy of the Religious Right

As a proud proponent of morality, heterosexuality, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the Holy Virgin Mother, and flossing, it is my duty as a God-fearing American to release for publication this diary. A diary written by a woman so diabolical that reading it would make Mephistopheles himself cut off his thirty eyes and cease his endless and evil masturbation. It would make Satan himself, deep in his Infernal Den, perched on his Throne of Corpses high atop the Mountain of Pope Skulls, in the Deepest Pits of Hell, where the only sounds are The Infinite Wailing of Infinite Souls, where the only light is cast by Elliot Smith’s Still Brilliant Genius, where the only smell is the Torturous Sulfur of Perpetual Sin, crap his pants in terror. And that evil crap would grow evil legs and run, run from this diary.

July 17th

Early this morning I headed to my Planned Parenthood office for an abortion. That bastard of a doctor kept telling me I wasn’t pregnant. I told him I didn’t care if I was pregnant, I just wanted an abortion. If time was a problem for him, I told him he could just womp on my womb with a 2×4 for a while.

July 18th

Broke into the pharmacy and stole fertility drugs. I’ll set the record for most fetuses aborted in a single procedure, just like I promised my mom I would, before I aborted her!

July 19th

Impregnated myself with the stolen sperm of Jerry Falwell, taken from the discarded condom of his evil succubus mistress sent by me to discredit the moral leaders of America by driving them into acts of depravity against their will. I then had an abortion, or as I like to say, I willfully murdered a little living baby.

August 4th

Secured grants from the ACLU, National Endowment for the Arts, and the gay wing of the Episcopalians to fund an army of homosexuals with the sole purpose of infiltrating families, seducing Christian men and women, performing unspeakably erotic acts with them, and then causing divorces. Goddess bless the Gay Anti-Family Agenda. Thank you GAFA!

September 25th

I preach the importance of abortion as contraception to middle school students in Biloxi, Mississippi.

October 25th

Appeared live on Oxygen and Lifetime, commanding all women to cast down their vacuums and stop cleaning their many ovens. They will march into the street and “hook up” with whatever single men may be available there, abort any resulting preg-nancies, and then fall into the arms of the many lesbians in my homosexual army.

November 10th

Tricked women into getting abortions by replacing communion wafers with RU-486.

December 25th

In a poorly thought out statement of religious irony, I crucify Bill O’Reilly on Christmas Day. On a cross of aborted fetuses, no less.