Last week a suit was filed in federal court charging God with two charges of giving life to absolute fucking idiots. The two people in question are Gregory Rhymes and Tanya Ellington, the teenagers who recently brought a lawsuit against McDonald’s after they became obese by consuming huge quantities of fast food. The suit alleges that God, despite his divine foresight of all things to come, knowingly animated the two dipshits that would later go on to seek millions of dollars as a reward for stuffing their massive gullets with hedonistic amounts of horrible, horrible crap.
Legal charges filed against God include negligence for allowing such dangerously stupid people to cohabitate the earth with other competent individuals. These individuals, also known as “not total fucking morons”, are distinguished by their ability to comprehend that consuming large amounts of meat, salt, grease, and sugar leads to obesity. A possible adjunct charge is being mulled in the event that the two plaintiffs in the McDonald’s case ever mate, especially with each other. When reached for comment, Charles Darwin refused an interview on the basis that he was busy revising his theory of evolution to account for the benefits now received by the completely retarded. “Oh Christ, sweet fucking Christ”, he was heard to mutter.
In a related story, 17 attorneys general from different states have filed similar charges against God, claiming as evidence the Rev. Jesse Jackson, “No Blood for Oil” protestors, Teen People, and the fact that prop comic Carrot Top has yet to be hung by his scrotum from a tall, sturdy tree.