Problem: Broken Light Bulb

Hint: Get a potato from the kitchen. Cut it in half. Dice the halves. Get three more potatoes and do the same thing. Cook a chopped medium onion and two tablespoons of butter in a two-quart saucepan on medium-high heat until soft. Add potatoes and one cup of chicken broth to saucepan. Add parsley, thyme, salt, and pepper to taste. Cook for fifteen minutes on low-medium heat. Stir in two tablespoons of flour and a cup and a half of milk. Simmer until thick. You now have a delicious cream of potato soup. Take this soup to friends house and ask if you can stay there while you try to sell your house. Broken light bulbs are impossible to fix.

Problem: Squeaky Floorboards

Hint: Go to your local hardware store and purchase ten 50-lb. bags of sand. Spread sand on the offending floorboard(s), making sure to work it into the cracks. Pour contents of remaining 9.9 bags onto the floor. Now you’re living on the beach!

Problem: Leaky Faucet

Hint: Leaking faucet keeping you up at night? Why shell out hundreds of American dollars to some snobby plumber when the problem can be readily solved with a little elbow grease? Locate a wrench and screwdriver. Turn the water on as high as it goes. Call household pet over. Proceed to beat it with wrench and screwdriver until it is within inch of its life. You’ll find yourself so worn out that you’ll sleep like a baby.

Problem: Carpet Stains

Hint: Are you too embarrassed to throw dinner parties because of unsightly carpet stains? We all know white wine can remove stains, but how do we remove the resultant white wine stain? Here’s a little secret: the only thing that removes white wine is its archnemesis, red wine. If you can alternately pour white and red wines fast enough, your carpet will appear clean to the naked eye.

Problem: Running Toilet

Hint: Remove the top lid of the toilet and look inside. You’ll see a plug attached to a chain. Remove the plug and defecate into the hole it was covering. With any luck, your toilet will get the message.

Problem: Worn-out Drawers

Hint: Pull out the drawer and turn it upside down. Notice irregular backing. Pull on it to reveal secret hiding stash of homoerotic magazines. Confront husband. Throw drawer at wall when he says it’s your fault for driving him into the arms of another man. Replace drawer and pretend everything is okay. Only you’ll know that you’re dead inside.

A recent study on depression demographics by UC Berkeley professor C. H. Diggs has shown conclusively that those aged 0 to 18 months make up the largest segment of America’s depressed.

“It’s rather surprising,” said Diggs, “but it looks like we basically start out at rock bottom.” The lack of long-term relationships and the feeling of powerlessness that accompany being a baby are thought to contribute to the elevated levels of depression among infants. “These results were hidden in the past thanks to the liberal misdiagnoses of ‘SIDS’ and ‘stillborn,'” Dr. Diggs elaborated.

When asked for comment, a baby sitting in his PlaySkool entertainment swing remarked, “Every time I get close to the ceiling the chair swings back and I’m farther away than ever. Closer, then farther, closer, then farther. I don’t think I can take it any more! It’s like I’m stuck in the proverbial pendulum of fortuna, the fruits of Eden always just out of my reach.”

The new findings have prompted many parents to ask themselves “Is my baby depressed?” Diggs and his colleagues have released a list of telltale signs of infant depression: “Does your baby lack energy? Does he lie on his back all day staring into space, reluctant to even get up and walk to the next room? Does your baby have sudden, vigorous fits of crying for no apparent reason? Is your baby reluctant to speak to you or others? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is likely your baby is depressed. Please consult a mental health professional immediately.”

Investigators recently obtained a warrant to search Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch in connection with his upcoming child molestation trial. But the investigators were in for a big letdown.

“When I was first put on the task force I was pretty excited,” said Sergeant Mike Patrick of the Santa Barbara police force.”I had heard all sorts of rumors: that [Jackson] sleeps in an oxygen chamber, that he has the elephant man’s skeleton on display, that he wears suede boots while bathing. I couldn’t wait to tell my wife what crazy weirdo things I would find. But when we busted the door open, Michael was just sitting in a comfortable-sized living room on a slightly worn, muted-green couch eating a Lean Cuisine microwave dinner and watching Friends reruns on a modestly sized TV.” Other members of the team were equally disappointed.

Lt. Mike Gonzalez reported further disappointment. “I was expecting, like, fifty bags of plasma and a single white peach in his refrigerator, but the only sort of weird thing was that he had put a completely empty carton of milk back in there,” he said.

“Oh,” Gonzalez added, “and his dryer door was broken so it wouldn’t close all the way. You’d think he could afford a new one.”

After the raid, police apologized to Jackson for the inconvenience and Jackson graciously offered them something to drink, but all he had was water and orange juice that he worried had turned just south of fresh. The taskforce politely declined and left him to restore the boring order of his overall average home.