Student Unable to Comply with Parent’s Request

Sophomore William Hammersmith’s father was dismayed to learn yesterday that his son would be unable to “spend a semester flipping
burgers if you want a car,” because he is too un-Mexican.

“I’m a white male aged 18 to 35 GAA I can’t even get hired as a waiter,” Hammersmith lamented. “I looked all over and there was only one job
I could get.” Hammersmith then excused himself to dictate a memo to his executive assistant and put a down payment on a houseboat in Sausalito.