Ancient Greek Philosophy, Stripped of its Artifice

Plato and the Allegory of the Cave

Imagine a row of naked pre-adolescent boys tied up in the back of a cave. For some reason they can’t move their heads at all – maybe it’s a ball gag, or some kind of horse harness – but all they can see is the back wall of the cave. They’re all oiled up, and they’re sort of scared, so they’re trembling and they’ve all got goosebumps, but there’s also a fire behind them and it’s making them all sweaty and…okay, sorry. Anyway, there’s a parapet between them and the fire, so all they can see are shadows of objects passing in front of the fire, like, say, the semi-tumescent penis of an aging-yet-virile Greek philosopher, and he’s slowly undulating, and…okay, sorry again. The key is, they have no knowledge of the real whips, or butt plugs, or even this one thing that me and Socrates put together that has a bunch of fig leaves wrapped around a shepherd’s crook. The boys only see the material shadows of these forms, but they talk about them as if they’re real. But they’ll learn how real they are. Oh, they’ll learn.

The Monologues of Socrates

Socrates: For when we ponder the great philosophers of ancient Greece, Socrates is by far the finest.
Socrates: Undoubtedly.
Socrates: But when we consider all of the thinkers of the realm, is it wrong for us to value their bravery along with their brilliant minds? Is it fair to place Socrates above the other thinkers of this realm, because of his fearlessness, his courage, and his enormous dong?
Socrates: I do not think we can separate such issues, but in truth, to consider what a stone-cold badass he is gives naught but favor to the reputation and esteem due to Socrates.
Socrates: And what about that time he fought Euripides? Didn’t Socrates totally kick his ass? Is it not true that Euripides cried, much like a little girl?
Socrates: There can be no question of that.

Hippocrates and His Hypocritical Oath

I know I said, “First, do no harm” when treating patients, but honestly, I totally killed patients on purpose all the time. It’s not a big deal. Just blame it on the humours.

Aristotelian Physics

“Eureka” doesn’t mean “I have found it.” It means “Check out my sack.” I was in the bathtub, and, sure, I discovered the principle of displacement, but you know what was doing the displacing? Deez nuts. Racing through the streets, all the Greek bitches want the philosopher with the biggest nuts. And guess what? He is I and I am him. What’s my motherfuckin’ name?