Words From The Top

Advice for Freshmen

1. Go to your professors’ office hours, no matter how early they are. The interaction between student and old horny intellectual is a tradition dating back to Plato and Socrates. You won’t learn a damn thing, but smart people need dumb people to talk down to. Going to office hours isn’t about an exchange of ideas, but about letting your professor masturbate directly into your brain, and this one time, shoes. Really, this is the entire point of college.

2. Therefore, the most important thing you can do at Cal is simply not fall asleep. Ever. My friend took a nap once and he got hit by a bus. Not while he was asleep, but still.

3. You must not rely too heavily on caffeine however, as you will become dependent. A caffeine addiction is one of the hardest addictions to break. A friend of mine recently quit caffeine and he shit blood for eight days. Contrast this example with myself, who several weeks into last semester quit caffeine and suffered no ill-effects. Why did I succeed where he failed?

Unlike me, he forgot rule #1 about quitting an addictive drug: always replace it with an even more addictive drug. For instance, I’ve replaced caffeine with meth. And then I replaced meth with cocaine. Well that last statement isn’t entirely true; replace the word “replace” with the words “started mixing cocaine into the meth,” then remove the rest of the sentence alltogether. Shit do I love cocaine.

4. This is 2005! You and me, man, we’re white. We can’t compete with today’s modern super-minorities. Your Asians. Your Indians. Your really determined Latinos who’ve ingested Asian blood for power. We need something to even the playing field. And that something is heroin. Oh, and also the meth and cocaine from earlier.

5. Here’s the trick: You won’t get addicted to anything if you keep switching drugs every time you get too close to an addiction. Feel like having some caffeine? Have some meth. Feel like having meth? Have some cocaine. Feel like having some heroin? Okay, cool, you and me should talk. There’s a bathroom in Wheeler with a false wall. Leave the money there and then I’ll tell you which toilet the heroin is hidden in.