Household Hints for Daily Home Use

Problem: Broken Light Bulb

Hint: Get a potato from the kitchen. Cut it in half. Dice the halves. Get three more potatoes and do the same thing. Cook a chopped medium onion and two tablespoons of butter in a two-quart saucepan on medium-high heat until soft. Add potatoes and one cup of chicken broth to saucepan. Add parsley, thyme, salt, and pepper to taste. Cook for fifteen minutes on low-medium heat. Stir in two tablespoons of flour and a cup and a half of milk. Simmer until thick. You now have a delicious cream of potato soup. Take this soup to friends house and ask if you can stay there while you try to sell your house. Broken light bulbs are impossible to fix.

Problem: Squeaky Floorboards

Hint: Go to your local hardware store and purchase ten 50-lb. bags of sand. Spread sand on the offending floorboard(s), making sure to work it into the cracks. Pour contents of remaining 9.9 bags onto the floor. Now you’re living on the beach!

Problem: Leaky Faucet

Hint: Leaking faucet keeping you up at night? Why shell out hundreds of American dollars to some snobby plumber when the problem can be readily solved with a little elbow grease? Locate a wrench and screwdriver. Turn the water on as high as it goes. Call household pet over. Proceed to beat it with wrench and screwdriver until it is within inch of its life. You’ll find yourself so worn out that you’ll sleep like a baby.

Problem: Carpet Stains

Hint: Are you too embarrassed to throw dinner parties because of unsightly carpet stains? We all know white wine can remove stains, but how do we remove the resultant white wine stain? Here’s a little secret: the only thing that removes white wine is its archnemesis, red wine. If you can alternately pour white and red wines fast enough, your carpet will appear clean to the naked eye.

Problem: Running Toilet

Hint: Remove the top lid of the toilet and look inside. You’ll see a plug attached to a chain. Remove the plug and defecate into the hole it was covering. With any luck, your toilet will get the message.

Problem: Worn-out Drawers

Hint: Pull out the drawer and turn it upside down. Notice irregular backing. Pull on it to reveal secret hiding stash of homoerotic magazines. Confront husband. Throw drawer at wall when he says it’s your fault for driving him into the arms of another man. Replace drawer and pretend everything is okay. Only you’ll know that you’re dead inside.