A Message to White America

_Hi WASPs, I’m Daniel Brady. From my name you’re probably guessing that I’m white too, but I’m not. I am an Irish/African-American male who happens to looks like a Native American version of Aladdin. As complicated as this may seem, be satisfied to know that I am a Jew’s nose away from being the amalgamation of every oppressed ethnic group in America. _

Although you might control every market, own every media outlet, hold most important government positions, and put on blackface to be Colin Powell, you really are not all that great. So stop making burrito jokes and encouraging Wayne Brady.

Since I grew up in a rich white neighborhood, I have a history with you guys. I would like to shame you with memories of how you made my life hell before you drive off in your BMWs and hide in your houses sequestered within the hills of La Ca+A|ada.

When Everyone Found Out

White Guy: So you’re black, huh?
Me: Well, not really. I’m only half, and Malagasy too. We are not a result of the Bantu-Niger migration where the skin color is very dark. It’s a common misconception that all Africans are black. It is a diverse continent.
White Guy: So…is Malcolm X your uncle or something?

At Practice

Teammate #1: Hey Daniel, afraid of the water?
Me: I’ve been playing water polo with you guys for the last five years, and now that you know I’m African-American you think I’m afraid of water?
Teammate #1: Sorry man, don’t “bust a cap.” I just thought you people were afraid of all forms of water…except for watermelon, that is.
Teammate #2: Hi-oh! Snap! [They give each other high fives]
Teammate #1: But seriously, show us your dick.

During History Class

Teacher: And that is the paragraph on black history we are going to study. Any comments?
Me: [as everyone turns to me] Madagascar was a French colony. They did not export slaves to America from there, so stop looking at me.
White Kid: Calm down, Frederick Douglass, no need to start a Black Panther Party meeting here.

At Dances

[Group of white people surrounds me]
White Girl #1: Well…aren’t you going to breakdance?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t know how.
White Guy: Step dance?
Me: Nope.
White Girl #2: Surely you must be able to at least tap dance. I mean how are you people supposed to make money if not by entertaining us? Gregory Hines must have at least taught you something. I’m no black expert, but I’m pretty sure you guys would do anything to get out of having a real job.
Me: I can pick locks.
Group of White People: [nods approvingly]

College Acceptances

White Guy: Damn it Daniel, I know you only got into Berkeley because you’re a minority. That’s why I didn’t get accepted.
Me: What are you talking about? I worked my fucking ass off to get good grades and do extracurricular activities while you just partied it up and got into car accidents.
White Guy: Yeah sure, whatever. Either way, my dad had to donate a whole new wing to Haas in order for me to go. Now I’ll never get my own hovercraft.

Getting Girls

Me: So, how’s it going?
Blonde Girl: Sorry, you’re just not my type.
Me: I’m sorry, you must have me confused. I’m not Indian, I’m African-American.
Blonde Girl: Oh! Well, in that case…[bites lip] but then again…
Me: And I won’t tell your dad.
Blonde Girl: [face lights up] Show me your dick.

Daniel Brady