Pirate Battle

Pirates ended the careers of many a brave seaman, even those who survived the tumultuous waters south of Cape Horn, the monsters of the great Atlantic, and the pleasant oases of the Pacific. Pirates were feared for their unforgiving tactics, pillaging and plundering without regard for the innocence of man,
woman, or child. But when pirate met pirate, the devil himself shook, for only the most ruthless of rap battles would settle their turf war. We found a transcript of just such a trial of wills, reprinted below:

Let it be known that this lyrical fistfight and verbal dynamite may take place between our two contestants, Lil Jon Silver and Arr Kelly. Sucka emcee spits first.

Arr Kelly: [nods, takes deep breath] When I set sail to your mother’s seas I drop
anchor with rancor / I give that broad’s broad side a broadside when I pull up and flank her / ‘Cause while you just a Lil Jon, this Long John sank her.

Lil Jon Silver: When I met your mother I crept up where she was layin’ then / And got her good with my belayin’ pin, I started dismayin’ then / ‘Cause your mom’s got crabs like the ocean’s got shore / That salty lass was on me
like, “Polly wanna crack whore?”

Arr Kelly: You know I made your mom my first mate / But she wasn’t my first
mate / Since I was a laddie I been raisin’ the birth rate / I cut lass with my cutlass / I’ve had more pirate booty than the loot in my trunk has.

Lil Jon Silver: The first time with your mother we was really in a rush / So
keep it hush-hush, but I musta bust my blunderbuss / Your mom’s sick like
Ahab GAA always lookin’ for Mo’ Dick.

Arr Kelly: You know the game ain’t the same since I came to the Spanish Main / I spent a few Gs just to sail these seven seas / And Zanzibar is nice, but I got spice / Up in the West Indies where the lassies be into me / I bust hymen like icebergs versus Titanic / An’ my rhymin’ panicks enemies / So get outta the Atlantic if you not a friend of me.

Lil Jon Silver: I give no quarter on the quarterdeck / If I plunder your booty, then you’ll never get a quarter back / I show less mercy than scurvy / And the rhymes that I drop is contagious like herpes / My ride is the S.S. Stallion, just one of my battalion / And the chrome on this galleon you gotta measure in gallons / I got diamonds on my main mast, making lassies gasp / And before I even start my rap, you like Smee / Wonderin’ what Captain Hook gon’ be.

A panel of judges, including Blackbeard, William Kidd, and Barbarossa, announces that Lil Jon Silver is the winner. JS gives a sporting hug to his competitor, to show that both pirates are truly winners. Still, Arr Kelly is forced to walk the plank.