Everyone needs an enemies list. With all the talk of national disunity and the red/blue divide, I figure this “healing” is just a clever tactic. That’s right, they lull you into a false sense of security, then BAM, Senator Joe Biden (D-DE) punches you in the face and takes your shoes.
And that’s why I need an enemies list. But how to make one? Remember, Richard Nixon had one, and now he’s dead. Lesson: Never pick “natural causes” as an enemy.
The key to making good enemies is picking people who are less powerful than you.
Enemy #1: The Pope. I could take that guy. What, are you gonna release some doves at me?
Lesson: Have an enemy you hate with the sum total of all evil since the original sin.
Enemy #2: Little Debbie. She knows what she did.
Lesson: Consolidate your efforts to save time.
Enemy #3: A paranoid schizophrenic. That way, you can hate six people for the price of one. That’s not hating harder, that’s hating smarter.
Lesson: Don’t hate anyone that can get you in trouble for hating them under hate crime laws.
Enemy #4: Hate crime laws. Anything that prevents me from having more enemies is my enemy. Okay, now I’m done blowing your mind.
Lesson: Don’t write anything that other people are going to read if your writing is so bad that it makes depressed war widows cry onto puppies with two legs. And they’re both hind legs. How do the puppies walk, you ask? With their chins.
Enemy #5: Daily Cal columnists Eitan Bencuya and David Pekema. They know what they did.
Enemy #6: Endings
1979: Overpopulation leads to water shortage and rampant cannibalism. Also, pastel pants fashionable.
1980: All vehicles now legally required to have doors that open vertically.
1982: New lethal strain of Saturday Night Fever discovered.
1983: First moon colony in which the colonists don’t go crazy and eat each other established.
1985: John Lennon continues to live a full and happy life.
1987: Cell phones not only not invented, but phone cords actually get thicker.
1989: World War III ends.
1990: Expensive and inefficient cocaine replaced by ZAP. Long distance truckers and disaffected thrillseekers rejoice.
1993: The Disco Renaissance.
2001: Jesus returns. Sort of a letdown.
2034: Thanks to expansion of ARPANET, 800 baud fax/modems now available at neary every major university. They feature vertical doors.
3968: Wary astronaut discovers that intelligent apes have taken over the planet Earth…in the 2000th-anniversary rerelease of Planet of the Apes. The movie does not hold up well over time.
Assisted Suicide Girl: Wheels
Looking For: Someone who can really take my breath away
Location: Bakersfield, CA
Sign: Cancer
Occupation: Model/actress/invalid (triple threat!)
Why I Did ASG: Voice-to-text program makes blogging a snap. Also, cystic fibrosis creates thick sticky mucus and other secretions, if you know what I’m saying.
Body Mods: Pierced nose, ears (five), labret, colostomy bag, IV drip, clitoral hood
Favorites: I love(d)to ride horses and go for long (st)rolls on near the beach. Having poetry read to me. People squeezing my hand to let me know they’re there.
Into: Being dominated, especially since I have no choice. Doing it in any position my adjustable bed can move me to.
Most Humbling Moment: When the doctors told me I had six months to live. Or, when I tripped and fell in front of my crush. How rib-crackingly embarrassing!
Diagnosis: Cystic fibrosis, 3/14/87
Vices: Hot orderlies, going all the way on the first appointment, morphine
Five Things I Can’t Live Without: Music, good friends, coffee, medications that contain pancreatic enzymes, iron lung
Things That Make Me Happy: Hope, stem cell research, children who don’t have cystic fibrosis, Hemlock Society
Things That Make Me Sad: Schindler’s List, the Incredible Hulk ending theme, the pain in my spine
Most people think that being a male porn star is a glamorous job. That all day it’s just sex and making that one face. But it’s not. For one
thing, it’s hard to tell where work ends and where everyday life begins:
Cashier at Bookstore: Okay, that comes to forty-two dollars even.
Me: Can I pay by credit card?
Cashier: Sure, but I’ll need to see your ID.
Me: [Starts to takes off pants]
Cashier: [Shocked] What the hell are you doing?!
Me: But I thought that “ID” stands for Incredible GAA
Cashier: No. It doesn’t.
And clothes shopping is always an ordeal:
Me: I’d like thirty-eight pairs of tear-away track pants, please.
Clerk: Whoa, buddy! Are you GAA
Me: [Sighs] No, I’m not starting an AYSO team.
Clerk: …a male porn star?
Me: Look pal, you wanna see my ID or not?
And the worst part is, porno doesn’t even pay
that well! I’ve had to work tons of part-time jobs just to make the rent. Like when I got that job as a bartender:
Female Customer: Whiskey sour, extra sour.
Me: Coming right up. [Starts pouring drink]
Female Customer: Why is it taking so long?
Me: [Still pouring] Almost there!
Female Customer: Okay…
Me: [Still pouring] Just a little more!
Female Customer: What?
Me: Yes! That’s it! [Pulls bottle away from glass, coating her face in whiskey]
Female Customer: What the fuck?!
Me: Towel boy! Over here!
Or that time I had to deliver pizzas to a sorority house:
Me: [Rings doorbell]
Sorority Girl in Negligee: [Seductively] Hey there, pizza boy.
Me: Uh, yeah. That’ll be thirteen-fifty.
Sorority Girl: So tell me, what’s on that pizza?
Me: Aww c’mon, don’t make me say it. Can
I just have the money?
Sorority Girl: Not ’til you tell me what’s on that pizza.
Me: [Sighs] Extra sausage.
[Slap bass starts playing]
Me: Goddammit, Jerry, will you stop that?
Guy with Ponytail: Sorry.
After a career in pornography, no one takes you seriously. Like that time I tried out for the
touring cast of the British Royal Shakespeare Company:
Director: Well, Miles, I was very impressed with your portrayal of MacDuff. But…
Me: Was it overwrought?
Director: No, not at all. Best I’ve ever seen, in fact. It’s just that if you want to do mainstream work, you have to start…somewhere else.
Me: You mean, like at a dramatic GAA
Director: You have to blow those eight guys dressed in army camos.
[Kenneth Branagh starts playing slap bass]
Let’s face it; the Internet had a lot to offer in its heyday: earth-shattering breakthroughs in communication, data access, and commerce, just to name a few. Yeah, the Internet was pretty cool.
Around the same time the idea of a global network of interconnected computing machines was picking up momentum, technology had a second Big Bang: the one that conceived me. As challenging the oppressive rule of Goliath was David’s charge, so was I pitted against the Internet, vying for my due recognition from within the shadow of an imposing behemoth.
After years of fierce and controversial debate that has torn nations, families apart, I have decided to compile a comprehensive comparison to once and for all settle this, the rivalry to end all rivalries.
Internet: Instantaneous access to virtually unlimited information
Mark: Access to the Internet
Thanks to the searching power of the Internet, I can help track down whatever it is you need to find, virtually anywhere.
Mark +1
Internet: Global communication
Mark: Strong interpersonal skills
The Internet may connect you to users in other countries, but can it effectively leverage synergies towards a common goal? The Internet can’t even drive a car. How lame.
Mark +1
Internet: Broadband connection
Mark: Connection
With the advent of widespread broadband and wireless access, the Internet is increasingly easy to connect to whereas, because of questionable parenting, I am not.
Internet +1
Internet: Vast and wildly diverse collection of pornography
Mark: Well-catalogued, vast, and wildly diverse collection of pornography
With Mark Thomas, what you see is what you get. I take the time to appropriately label and categorize my amalgam of adult media. The Internet expends no such effort; this often leads to one embarrassing oneself. I will never embarrass you while you are viewing your pornography.
Mark +1
In closing, even if we look at fundamental qualties such as leadership potential, we find the Internet painfully deficient. The Internet may have ushered in the digital age, but there are serious doubts as to whether or not it could quiet down a room in less than fifteen seconds. My can-do attitude embarrasses the Internet’s passive management style.
In conclusion, I win for all of the following reasons: I am not the Internet and I don’t suck. Also, the Internet can’t defend itself in writing.
Girls
Thor: [Grinning, surrounded by giggling wenches, showing off gleaming
warhammer] Yeah, I made this sweet little hunk of steel. Smithed her from the fire of a thousand stars. Oh, and did I mention that I
killed the evil serpent Jormungand with this baby?
Girls: Ooh! Your hammer is so…big!
Sven: [Eating leg of mutton nearby] Bullshit. Thor’s only popular because of that stupid hammer.
Sven’s Friend Bjorn: So why don’t you get one of your own?
Sven: Well, it helps that my daddy doesn’t own a mystical iron forge in Valhalla!
Bjorn: Point taken.
Drinking
Sven’s father: Son, you reek of mead. Were you drinking at Loki’s party?
Sven: [Evasively] I, uh, don’t know what you’re talking about, Dad. Loki’s parents were home and everything.
Sven’s father: You lie. I know for a fact that Laufey and Farbauti are off fighting the Frost Giants in Northern Midgard.
Sven: Wait, Dad, I can explain…
Sven’s father: There is no explaining
to do. As punishment, you are not to longboat anywhere except school for the next month.
Road Trip
Sven: [Excitedly] Dude, exploring
Norway GAA I mean, the mystical land of Midgard GAA is going to be so tight!
Bjorn: Hell yeah, I can’t wait to see all the famous Norwegian landmarks. Ice Mountain, Snow Valley, Really Cold Gorge…but first we need some wheels. Did your dad say we could borrow his longcar?
Sven: No, man. It’s still in the longshop.
Bjorn: Longdammit!
Drugs
Bjorn: Hey Sven, we’re going to go smoke a bowl on the hill. Want to join us?
Sven: Well, despite being a Viking and not knowing what that expression could possibly mean, okay.
[Twenty minutes later]
Bjorn: Dude, have you ever really looked at the Northern Lights? I mean, really looked at them? It’s like, magic, or something.
Sven: No, dude, I think it has to do with like, Science.
Bjorn: Science?
Sven: Oh, Science is the god of light and space.
Dating
Bjorn: So, Sven, how was your date with Hilda the Valkyrie last night? She’s hot as Hel!
Sven: [Grinning] Let’s just say it went well.
Bjorn: [Winks knowingly] Oh yeah?
Sven: [Unable to contain himself] I totally raped her, dude! And then I sacked her thatched hut.
Bjorn: [High-fiving Sven] Way to go, man!
