Sophomore William Hammersmith’s father was dismayed to learn yesterday that his son would be unable to “spend a semester flipping
burgers if you want a car,” because he is too un-Mexican.
“I’m a white male aged 18 to 35 GAA I can’t even get hired as a waiter,” Hammersmith lamented. “I looked all over and there was only one job
I could get.” Hammersmith then excused himself to dictate a memo to his executive assistant and put a down payment on a houseboat in Sausalito.
Girls
Thor: [Grinning, surrounded by giggling wenches, showing off gleaming
warhammer] Yeah, I made this sweet little hunk of steel. Smithed her from the fire of a thousand stars. Oh, and did I mention that I
killed the evil serpent Jormungand with this baby?
Girls: Ooh! Your hammer is so…big!
Sven: [Eating leg of mutton nearby] Bullshit. Thor’s only popular because of that stupid hammer.
Sven’s Friend Bjorn: So why don’t you get one of your own?
Sven: Well, it helps that my daddy doesn’t own a mystical iron forge in Valhalla!
Bjorn: Point taken.
Drinking
Sven’s father: Son, you reek of mead. Were you drinking at Loki’s party?
Sven: [Evasively] I, uh, don’t know what you’re talking about, Dad. Loki’s parents were home and everything.
Sven’s father: You lie. I know for a fact that Laufey and Farbauti are off fighting the Frost Giants in Northern Midgard.
Sven: Wait, Dad, I can explain…
Sven’s father: There is no explaining
to do. As punishment, you are not to longboat anywhere except school for the next month.
Road Trip
Sven: [Excitedly] Dude, exploring
Norway GAA I mean, the mystical land of Midgard GAA is going to be so tight!
Bjorn: Hell yeah, I can’t wait to see all the famous Norwegian landmarks. Ice Mountain, Snow Valley, Really Cold Gorge…but first we need some wheels. Did your dad say we could borrow his longcar?
Sven: No, man. It’s still in the longshop.
Bjorn: Longdammit!
Drugs
Bjorn: Hey Sven, we’re going to go smoke a bowl on the hill. Want to join us?
Sven: Well, despite being a Viking and not knowing what that expression could possibly mean, okay.
[Twenty minutes later]
Bjorn: Dude, have you ever really looked at the Northern Lights? I mean, really looked at them? It’s like, magic, or something.
Sven: No, dude, I think it has to do with like, Science.
Bjorn: Science?
Sven: Oh, Science is the god of light and space.
Dating
Bjorn: So, Sven, how was your date with Hilda the Valkyrie last night? She’s hot as Hel!
Sven: [Grinning] Let’s just say it went well.
Bjorn: [Winks knowingly] Oh yeah?
Sven: [Unable to contain himself] I totally raped her, dude! And then I sacked her thatched hut.
Bjorn: [High-fiving Sven] Way to go, man!
In my job search, I’ve found there to be certain unnecessary equalities arbitrarily built into our legal system. The Civil Rights Act, Americans with Disabilities Act, and U.S. Constitution are way too progressive for my liking. I mean, how can these bleeding-heart, unbiased corporate executives ever hope to hire anyone qualified for the position? Hey execs, the world doesn’t need another Mahatma Gandhi. We therefore must enforce discrimination and prejudice policies to ensure that able-bodied, white, heterosexual males are employers’ top priorities.
Interview One
CEO: Explain some of your work experience, please.
Melissa: Well, I worked at Mercer for three years as a financial consultant before working as…
CEO: No, no, no. Explain your work experience. [Makes handjob motion]
Melissa: Oh, that wasn’t on my resume? Weird. Well, I’ve given 74 handjobs, 65 blowjobs, and four rimjobs.
CEO: [Face lights up] You certainly seem qualified for the position, but I would like you to work through a case study. [Unzips pants] Don’t worry, there’s no math involved.
Melissa: Great, math disgusts me. [Crawls under desk]
Interview Two
CEO: Wow, how did you find a parking space?
Allen: I was driven here by my father.
CEO: Oh, so he feels guilty for producing a bad seed, does he?
Allen: I lost my legs in the Iraq War, if that’s what you’re referring to.
CEO: It looks like you also lost your dignity, your sense of value, what would appear to be your right index finger, and a job opportunity here.
Allen: If I had any legs, I’d kick you in the balls.
CEO: If you had any legs, you’d kick Melissa in the head as she sucked my two balls.
Melissa: [Lifts up head] I thought you said there’d be no math.
Interview Three
CEO: It says here you’re incredibly lazy.
Dancing Bear: Where does it say that?
CEO: Across your Mexican face! [Slaps self high-five]
Dancing Bear: I’m not Mexican. I’m Native American.
CEO: Oh, in that case, I have a joke. How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? All three of them. You and your
two drunk friends probably named something stupid like “Fire Belly” and “Fixes Lightbulbs.”
Dancing Bear: I see now that my type is not welcomed in these parts. Unless, of course, you still need that lightbulb changed.
CEO: I sure do.
Dancing Bear: [Reaches for phone and calls his two remaining friends, Fire Belly and Fixes Lightbulbs]
Interview Four
CEO: Let’s start by looking over your resume and vagina. In fact, can I grab your boobs?
Cicely: Jesus, what kind of girl do you think I am? I will not jeopardize my morals…unless, of course, I am offered a job first.
CEO: Will you bring your hard work ethic and breasts to work every day?
Cicely: I’ll bring my breasts.
CEO: What about your work eth…oh fuck it. You’re hired. Pull your hair back and let me show you around the office. [Points beneath
desk] Oh, by the way, that’s Melissa.
Melissa: Hrumph humph.
Interview Five
CEO: I’m not sure if we have the facilities to accommodate your disabilities.
Carl: Disabilities?
CEO: Did I say “disabilities”? Because I meant to say “your fat fucking ass.”
Carl: I know I have a bit of a weight problem, but I’m currently trying to shed some pounds.
CEO: Does your plan include seeing doctors who could internally give you liposuction or gastro-bypass surgery?
Carl: Yes; yes it does.
CEO: Well, in that case, I must recommend my friend Martin Stokee. He’s very good. He did my wife’s penis reduction surgery.
Carl: Your wife has a penis?
CEO: A reduced penis, yes. At least she has an employed husband, which is more than your wife can say. Now let me get a team of secretaries to lower you out of here.
Becky Johnson, a photojournalist at the Daily Planet, Metropolis’s biggest newspaper, has been diagnosed with a rare form of independent cancer of both the breasts and the buttocks.
Although usually quite rare, this dual diagnosis has been made on several other female staff members of the Daily Planet. Health officials are baffled by the outbreak.
I’m at my little brother’s bar mitzvah, and looking around at the life-size ice-sculpture recreations of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, I begin to get the sneaking suspicion that our mom likes him better than me. Okay sure, I had Lord of the Rings ice sculptures at my bar mitzvah too GAA I mean, we’re fucking loaded GAA but I only got the Battle of Helms Deep.
I began to notice something was wrong at the service when improv rabbi Drew Carey from my bar mitzvah was replaced with the original British guy who was way better. Plus, whereas I read from
a solid gold torah, he read from a solid gold torah personally smelted by Moses.
At the party, Mom’s favoritism started showing even more. She had his bar mitzvah video directed by the Coen brothers. Mine was directed by the Wachowski brothers. My little brother’s DJ
is Eminem, and he’s been freestyling about how cool my brother is all night. My DJ was D.J., the chick from Full House. She played “Everywhere You Look” like four times and then spent the rest of the night smoking rocks in her car.
I guess I should have realized what was up when Mom first started planning this thing. I mean, my party theme was “Superheroes.” His theme is “Free Money If You Hit My Brother in the Nads
with This Putter.”
But what about the presents, you ask? Well, Mom gave my little brother one full night with Mandy Moore. She says she spent the same amount of money on my present, but there was just something
unsatisfying about my night with Mandy Patinkin. Oh, and even though we each got a pony, his can trot and gallop instead of just being a smaller-than-average keg. Also, it’s doubtful that my brother’s pony contains toxic levels of mercury and staples.
So as I watch my little brother and his friends shoot hoops with six-time NBA championship winners, I finally realize that Mom always liked
him best. I guess that’s why she named him Cool
Brownstein GAA because she thinks he’s the cool one. His middle name, “Er-Than-His-Shitsucking-Brother,” is probably a clue as well. And speaking of middle names, that time she changed mine to “Sir-Lynch-a-Lot” and had me transferred to Watts High seems, in retrospect, to be a pretty good barometer of her feelings. Oh well. At least I can always take comfort in the fact that when she dies, I’ll inherit a ridiculous amount of money.
In response to the growing violence and anti-American sentiments in Iraq, the conscription of young American men is needed, said a rhododendron on the west side of the UC Berkeley campus.
The bush shouted his right-wing sentiments as loud as he could, but was heard only by what he called “tree-hugging pussies.” The listeners in question called the bush a racist and continued their veganism with extra zeal.
According to the National Weather Service, the most recent deluge of storms in Southern California has been officially declared a “reverse tsunami.”
“It’s kinda like a regular tsunami, but
backwards,” chief meteorologist Jason Blake said. “More specifically, it’s like a
huge wave jumped the beaches and went
straight for the hills, only to wreck the cities
on the way back down; it’s really much too complicated to explain without the aid of a Lego city and a bucket of water.”
Mr. Blake then tried to show the difference
in writing: “This here, as you can see, is a
regular tsunami: INNOCENT PEOPLE…))
))))(/(/(/(/(/(/ INNOCENT
PEOPLE=>(/(/(/(/(/(/ (Ocean), very very
complicated.”
The next step in a slowly advancing personal coup took place last Wednesday when Jared Demming’s friends once again invited acquaintance Jeff Dumar over for dinner. Demming, who was neither notified of the event nor welcome to attend it, reportedly listened to Dumar’s smooth, deep voice through his closed bedroom door. Demming, who suffers from a thyroid condition that causes his voice to oscillate violently and at random, became suspicious.
“I thought I’d join them,” said Demming uncontrollably, “but when I walked out to meet them, they pretended to not notice.”
Dumar allegedly regaled his hosts with tales of his athletic misadventures on his college waterpolo and triathlon teams. According to an earlier news story, Demmings had played water polo in high school, but he never pursued it further, though he did try out for the triathlon team once. He failed to make the cut.
“We met Jeff during the kayaking trip that he had planned,” said Demming’s acquaintance Susan McKinney when reached for comment. “Jared couldn’t make it because of his thyroid condition.”
After Dumar left, Demming reportedly asked longtime friend Jessica Cho if she would like to see his latest batch of childish drawings, Demming’s sole means of self-expression and release, to which she absentmindedly replied “I guess” before sighing deeply.
In the 24th century, a new chapter in the history
of civil rights was written. And it was written in binary.
1963 to 2304: And as it is written in the robot Bible, “…and ROBBIE begat AIBO, and AIBO
begat ASIMO, and ASIMO begat ASIMO version 2.36 powered by Windows CE…” (the robot Bible and other works from Philip K. Dick are now available from Amazon).
2307: Robot poverty and unplanned pregnancies reach an all-time high, leading many robots to sadly venture into back alleys to perform illegal abortions using paper clips and that little reset button underneath the drivebay.
2313: In the case of Roe-Bot v. WadeBot, the Supreme Court establishes a robot’s right to choose as a fundamental right, despite WadeBot’s emotional assertion that life begins at C:>compile GAAo begin.out. Many have attributed the victory of RoeBot to the fact that WadeBot was actually a Wade Boggs robot, and as such was better at fielding grounders than arguing legal precedent.
2320: To prevent further conflict in the growing robot controversy, the Three Laws of Robotics are established, but two are later overturned on appeal.
2332: Excerpt from famed Lifetime Original Movie Not Without My ASUS Motherboard’s Frontside Bus:
LadyBot 1: OMG, I was sooo drunk last night. Tell no one, sister, but I think I’m
pregnant.
LadyBot 2: No! Who?
LadyBot 1: I don’t know, but I think I’m going to abort the fetus by upgrading to Microsoft Longhorn 12 Office XP since the fetus
won’t be supported.
LadyBot 2: Don’t do that, it’s too expensive! I heard that if you run Winamp, two screensavers, and Norton Antivirus at the same
time, your processor uses too much RAM and therefore aborts the fetus.
2324: In Choicetron v. Bolts, the pro-robot abortion lobby seemed poised to suffer a major setback when Choicetron lost her momentum
after Bolt’s efficient wedge design flipped her onto the kill saw in the second round of the semifinals competition. However, the case was declared a victory for Choicetron after Bolts lost control and slid under the Slammer Hammer.
2340: In an effort to maintain control over the birthrate of its native robot population, China institutes the now-infamous “One Robot, Then One Smaller, Much More Efficient Robot” policy.
2341: India, faced with its own population
issues, goes beyond China’s policy by moving to a forced “Clicking That Little Tab on the End of the Disc” policy. An estimated two million untouchables die in the process.
