The Adventures of Sven Bjolnir

Viking High School Student


Thor: [Grinning, surrounded by giggling wenches, showing off gleaming
Yeah, I made this sweet little hunk of steel. Smithed her from the fire of a thousand stars. Oh, and did I mention that I
killed the evil serpent Jormungand with this baby?
Girls: Ooh! Your hammer is so…big!
Sven: [Eating leg of mutton nearby] Bullshit. Thor’s only popular because of that stupid hammer.
Sven’s Friend Bjorn: So why don’t you get one of your own?
Sven: Well, it helps that my daddy doesn’t own a mystical iron forge in Valhalla!
Bjorn: Point taken.


Sven’s father: Son, you reek of mead. Were you drinking at Loki’s party?
Sven: [Evasively] I, uh, don’t know what you’re talking about, Dad. Loki’s parents were home and everything.
Sven’s father: You lie. I know for a fact that Laufey and Farbauti are off fighting the Frost Giants in Northern Midgard.
Sven: Wait, Dad, I can explain…
Sven’s father: There is no explaining
to do. As punishment, you are not to longboat anywhere except school for the next month.

Road Trip

Sven: [Excitedly] Dude, exploring
Norway GAA I mean, the mystical land of Midgard GAA is going to be so tight!
Bjorn: Hell yeah, I can’t wait to see all the famous Norwegian landmarks. Ice Mountain, Snow Valley, Really Cold Gorge…but first we need some wheels. Did your dad say we could borrow his longcar?
Sven: No, man. It’s still in the longshop.
Bjorn: Longdammit!


Bjorn: Hey Sven, we’re going to go smoke a bowl on the hill. Want to join us?
Sven: Well, despite being a Viking and not knowing what that expression could possibly mean, okay.
[Twenty minutes later]
Bjorn: Dude, have you ever really looked at the Northern Lights? I mean, really looked at them? It’s like, magic, or something.
Sven: No, dude, I think it has to do with like, Science.
Bjorn: Science?
Sven: Oh, Science is the god of light and space.


Bjorn: So, Sven, how was your date with Hilda the Valkyrie last night? She’s hot as Hel!
Sven: [Grinning] Let’s just say it went well.
Bjorn: [Winks knowingly] Oh yeah?
Sven: [Unable to contain himself] I totally raped her, dude! And then I sacked her thatched hut.
Bjorn: [High-fiving Sven] Way to go, man!