The Future According to the ’70s

1979: Overpopulation leads to water shortage and rampant cannibalism. Also, pastel pants fashionable.

1980: All vehicles now legally required to have doors that open vertically.

1982: New lethal strain of Saturday Night Fever discovered.

1983: First moon colony in which the colonists don’t go crazy and eat each other established.

1985: John Lennon continues to live a full and happy life.

1987: Cell phones not only not invented, but phone cords actually get thicker.

1989: World War III ends.

1990: Expensive and inefficient cocaine replaced by ZAP. Long distance truckers and disaffected thrillseekers rejoice.

1993: The Disco Renaissance.

2001: Jesus returns. Sort of a letdown.

2034: Thanks to expansion of ARPANET, 800 baud fax/modems now available at neary every major university. They feature vertical doors.

3968: Wary astronaut discovers that intelligent apes have taken over the planet Earth…in the 2000th-anniversary rerelease of Planet of the Apes. The movie does not hold up well over time.