Everyone needs an enemies list. With all the talk of national disunity and the red/blue divide, I figure this “healing” is just a clever tactic. That’s right, they lull you into a false sense of security, then BAM, Senator Joe Biden (D-DE) punches you in the face and takes your shoes.
And that’s why I need an enemies list. But how to make one? Remember, Richard Nixon had one, and now he’s dead. Lesson: Never pick “natural causes” as an enemy.
The key to making good enemies is picking people who are less powerful than you.
Enemy #1: The Pope. I could take that guy. What, are you gonna release some doves at me?
Lesson: Have an enemy you hate with the sum total of all evil since the original sin.
Enemy #2: Little Debbie. She knows what she did.
Lesson: Consolidate your efforts to save time.
Enemy #3: A paranoid schizophrenic. That way, you can hate six people for the price of one. That’s not hating harder, that’s hating smarter.
Lesson: Don’t hate anyone that can get you in trouble for hating them under hate crime laws.
Enemy #4: Hate crime laws. Anything that prevents me from having more enemies is my enemy. Okay, now I’m done blowing your mind.
Lesson: Don’t write anything that other people are going to read if your writing is so bad that it makes depressed war widows cry onto puppies with two legs. And they’re both hind legs. How do the puppies walk, you ask? With their chins.
Enemy #5: Daily Cal columnists Eitan Bencuya and David Pekema. They know what they did.
Enemy #6: Endings