Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch Surprisingly Mundane

Investigators recently obtained a warrant to search Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch in connection with his upcoming child molestation trial. But the investigators were in for a big letdown.

“When I was first put on the task force I was pretty excited,” said Sergeant Mike Patrick of the Santa Barbara police force.”I had heard all sorts of rumors: that [Jackson] sleeps in an oxygen chamber, that he has the elephant man’s skeleton on display, that he wears suede boots while bathing. I couldn’t wait to tell my wife what crazy weirdo things I would find. But when we busted the door open, Michael was just sitting in a comfortable-sized living room on a slightly worn, muted-green couch eating a Lean Cuisine microwave dinner and watching Friends reruns on a modestly sized TV.” Other members of the team were equally disappointed.

Lt. Mike Gonzalez reported further disappointment. “I was expecting, like, fifty bags of plasma and a single white peach in his refrigerator, but the only sort of weird thing was that he had put a completely empty carton of milk back in there,” he said.

“Oh,” Gonzalez added, “and his dryer door was broken so it wouldn’t close all the way. You’d think he could afford a new one.”

After the raid, police apologized to Jackson for the inconvenience and Jackson graciously offered them something to drink, but all he had was water and orange juice that he worried had turned just south of fresh. The taskforce politely declined and left him to restore the boring order of his overall average home.