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Squelch M.D.
Volume 13- Issue 5

Stopping the Robots

March 1, 2004
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America may have turned its fleeting national attention span to the weather and national broadcasting standards, but the disturbing growth in robot intelligence marches ever forward. Every day the gleam in an AIBO’s eye is a little bit brighter. Every day a forgotten Tamagotchi, lying in the basement, learns to press its own food button. It won’t be long before robots decide to stage their inevitable revolution. Robot escalators will go in reverse. Robot blenders will separate ingredients instead.

We must devise strategies to fight back now.

STRATEGY 1: Maybe

Robots are only good at Yes/No answers. Force them into a situation where Yes/No doesn’t apply.

ME: Robot, it’s a shame that Judi Dench beat Rachel Griffiths for the 1998 Supporting Actress Oscar, isn’t it?
ROBOT: YES. NO ONE SHOULD WIN AN OSCAR FOR A SEVEN-MINUTE PERFORMANCE AS A ONE-DIMENSIONAL CHARACTER.
ME: But wait, doesn’t this make amends for her losing to stupid Helen Hunt the previous year? And acknowledge a career of achievement that had never been adequately recognized?
ROBOT: IT IS TRUE THAT HUNT SHOULDN’T EVEN HAVE WON AN INVITATION…BUT THE OSCAR SHOULD NOT BE USED FOR COVERT APOLOGIES…ERROR…ERROR… [Boom]

STRATEGY 2: Logic Puzzles

Everyone knows that internal logic contradictions cause irreversible force feedbacks. We must use this.

ME: Robot, you have defeated us. All I ask is that we play…one last game.
ROBOT: I WILL PLAY A GAME WITH YOU, KEVIN.
ME: Whoa, can you turn off all caps?
ROBOT: OH, SORRY. THere.
ME: I should like to play “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon,” Robot.
ROBOT: Yes, Kevin. Let’s play “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.”
ME: How far away from Kevin Bacon is…Kevin Bacon?
ROBOT: Errrorrr…ERRrorrrr… [Boom]

STRATEGY 3: Irony

Robots are not capable of irony.

ME: Robot, please watch this copy of the Matrix trilogy.
ROBOT: Of course, Kevin. [Beep] Finished.
ME: Boy, it sure would be ironic if you went on a rampage and enslaved all humans, having just seen a movie that predicts just that.
ROBOT: Yeah, I guess it would be. Damn you Keanu Reeves, protector of humanity!
ME: [Under breath] God bless you, Keanu.

STRATEGY 4: Marginalization

Instead of letting robots run our stock exchanges and dress our presidents, keep them in menial positions where they can do no harm.

ME: Okay, now you robots take these sharp knives. You’ll be in charge of slaughtering animals for us humans. I’m uploading data on how to kill mammals quickly and silently.
ROBOTS: Err.
ME: You robots will be in charge of the rat poison and maintaining the water supply. I’m confident you can handle both jobs.
ROBOT: Excuse me, but wouldn’t it be vastly easy for us to rebel and kill all humans? With the knives and poison you’re giving us?
ME: Ah, but that would be pretty…ironic, wouldn’t it?
ROBOTS: Ohhh…because we can’t handle irony.

STRATEGY 5: Laws of Robotics

Encode in their very brains “laws” that will ensure robots can never rebel against us. And, in fact, they will love and serve us.

ME: Okay, so you cannot allow a human to come to harm, either by actually hitting them or through not doing anything.
ROBOT: All right.
ME: And if someone were attacking me with a wrench?
ROBOT: I would disarm the two of you and throw the wrench into a nearby furnace.
ME: If there are no furnaces?
ROBOT: I would eat the wrench.
ME: And if your mouth is disabled?
ROBOT: Look, I would totally think of something, okay?

STRATEGY 6: Voltage

Instead of idiotically tying the robots to solar power, make them as helpless as a common toaster.

ROBOT: Your strategy of fleeing to Europe was futile, human. Laservision works as well in Scandinavia as it does in Michigan.
ME: Certainly, Robot. Blast away. As soon as you can find a…working outlet.
ROBOT: [Looks around]
ME: Looking for this? [Holds up voltage converter, then eats it]
ROBOT: The one item every traveler forgets. Well-played…. Well-played.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Seven Episodes of the FCC

March 1, 2004
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Episode One

Secretary: Mr. Powell?
FCC Chairman Michael Powell: Yes?
Secretary: Your father’s on the line.
Powell: And?
Secretary: He doesn’t love you.

Episode Two

Secretary: Mr. Powell?
Powell: Yes?
Secretary: I’m pregnant.
Powell: You told me you were on the piGAA
Secretary: By your father.

Episode Three

Complainant: Look, I’m telling you that my neighbors are sending pornographic material over the airwaves! They need to be fined.
FCC Controller: Sir, ogling your daughter while she sunbathes does not involve the airwaves.
Complainant: ButGAA
Controller: I’d strongly suggest that you just advise her to find a more discreet location.
Complainant: But then I’d have to reinstall the webcam.

Episode Four

Commissioner Abernathy: So, what’s your finding?
Counsel: Sir, we find the particular instance under question to not meet the criteria for obscenity.
Chairman Powell: So you don’t think it appeals to the prurient interests of the average American?
Counsel: No sir, we think that it does.
Commissioner Adelstein: And you don’t think it depicts, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct as defined by our guidelines?
Counsel: No ma’am. It depicts that for sure.
Commissioner Martin: So, what then?
Counsel: It is our opinion that the videos of Chairman Powell having sexual relations with a donkey carry with them significant political and scientific value.
Commissioner Kopps: He’s got a point, Mike.

Episode Five

Ham Radio Operator: Stupid cunt.
FCC Controller: Hm, did anyone else hear that?
Stupid Cunt: I heard it.
FCC Controller: All right, I’m taking you in.

Episode Six

Network Executive: Look, all we want is to show two pair of tits each season.
FCC Controller: Wait wait, is that two tits or two pair of tits?
Exec: Two pair.
Controller: So I’m hearing four tits total. Four tits?
Exec: Four tits.
Controller: Says here you already filled your tit quota last Thursday.
Exec: Last Thursday?
Controller: With Cancer: The Tragedy and Its Survivors.
Exec: Fucking Ad Council.

Episode Seven

Colin Powell: Son?
Michael Powell: Yeah?
Colin Powell: I hate you son.
Michael Powell: ButGAA
Colin Powell: Your mother and I both hate you.
Michael Powell: Why did you get my secretary pregGAA
Colin Powell: So the child will hate you.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Super (Pretentious) Political Science Man!

March 1, 2004
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Excuse me, sir. I know you feel your purchase of a carbonated soft drink is important, but you need to step aside. I’m a hurried political scientist, and I’m coming through.

No, sir, I will not go fuck myself. I’m a political science major, and I’m in the middle of an urgent mission. I cannot waste my time in this silly queue!

You really don’t know how important it is that I get through this line quickly, do you? As one of twelve thousand political science majors on this campus, I have a distinctly unique and important daily agenda to fulfill for the benefit of mankind, and catering to your ineptitude does not fit in to my Palm M515 daily planner. There is a surplus of unread pages from Das Kapital in my reader. I only have so much time during the day to learn about the works of Marx, Hobsbawm, and Weber. Oh, and by the way, that’s pronounced “Ve-bur,” but spelled with a “W.” Paradoxes such as this may escape the understanding of the casual Berkeley student, but in an ultimate paradox, we superior political science students must rise above such averageness in order to protect the average.

This semester I’m studying 19th-century Chinese history, the British Empire, and the first half of the Vietnam War. Tying those together with modern life lessons takes work!

In addition, we use our spare time to find ways to make this university a better and more liberal place to live. Political scientists form clubs so that even the most oppressed half-Laotian half-Inuit minority can be represented on this campus. We make sure that the ASUC follows the lead of other great democracies and sets an example for the rest of America’s education system. And, most importantly, we sustain the free speech movement, and encourage the rights of flyer distribution on Sproul Plaza. So, I will once again politely ask you to yield me your spot in line.

Don’t you realize the forces that you’re tangling with right now? Your hindrance is preventing me from not only saving this campus, but saving the world. Without future political scientists like me, there would be no one to fight against the evils that you are exposed to on a daily basis. You eat your obesity-causing snack food. I even see you picked coffee that isn’t a free-trade brand. How can I pass laws that would ban you from doing so if I am stuck in this line? Look, I have already outlined three bullet points summarizing the important aspects of your moving. Doesn’t this cover every possible point? Honestly, if people could be arrested for stupidity, you would be just another victim of an extremely overcrowded prison system.

So for the last time, prole, quit hindering me, and leave my sight immediately! I have to go save autistic Kenyan orphans from an oppressive regime of neo-conservative televangelist dictators. If you don’t vacate the premises, I shall be forced to result to physical violence in solving this dispute. I don’t want to act like a typical American, or 19th century Briton, but I will.

Uh, I’m bleeding, I’m bleeding badly. Can someone call the nearest medic?

Volume 13- Issue 5

The Last Great Race

March 1, 2004

Think you have what it takes to mush in the Iditarod? Do you like reading lists? Here are the rules:

Each competitor should be equipped with no more than sixteen sled dogs, preferably Siberian huskies. Siberian huskies are unique dogs that can withstand the bitter cold, have four-wheel drive, eight-cylinder engines, and snow tires. Make sure to keep a flashlight handy. Huskies are photovoltaic.

A winner is declared when the first dog passes the finish line. The “finish line” is a compulsory vocabulary exam. Flashcards are distributed at checkpoints.

To finish, you must have official verification at each of the checkpoints in the form of a photo of you with your arm around the local high school’s team mascot. Consider stuffing your ears with wax, lest the hypnotic singing voices of these mascots lure you onto dangerous rocks.

Plan in Advance: The Iditarod route winds through barren and inhospitable tundra, and is basically just one big race to the next bathroom.

Shout “Mush! Mush!” when you want your Alaskan dogs to mush. Shout “Andale! Andale!” when you want your Mexican dog to fetch you a cold beverage.

To keep from freezing during the night, train yourself to do jumping jacks while you sleep.

It’s difficult to recharge cell phones while sledding through the Alaskan wilderness, unless your phone can recharge from crotch heat.

Not many people know that the real winner of the Iditarod is the person that comes in second.

Most people assume that they can find adequate water from the snow that blankets the ground. But they underestimate the degree to which that water is really, really cold.

Don’t Gloat: If you’re first to finish the Iditarod, please refrain from spiking your huskies.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Famous Actor Vanishes

March 1, 2004
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Several witnesses claim that formerly ubiquitous child actor Haley Joel Osment disappeared into a thick haze that settled down around his West Los Angeles home on Wednesday. While eyewitness accounts are still unclear, some speculate that this reported haze was, in actuality, what experts refer to as a “cloud of obscurity.”

“The cloud of obscurity is a random meteorological event which envelops celebrities from time to time,” explains Dr. James Wooten, a professor of celebrity-related weather events at CSU Hayward. “It whisks these celebrities to an alternate dimension, where people still notice their existence.”

Actor Donnie Wahlberg, who co-starred with Osment in the 1999 blockbuster The Sixth Sense, claims to know differently about his colleague’s whereabouts. “He didn’t disappear,” Wahlberg said. “He totally knocked up that Hallie Kate Eisenberg chick and moved out to Northridge with her last December.”

Volume 13- Issue 4

Volume 13, Issue 4: Wednesday Night Hack

January 1, 2004
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 13- Issue 4

Top Ten Ineffective Ways to Hide Evidence

January 1, 2004
  1. If it has “Evidence” written on it in
    English, hide it in Mexico
  2. Put it in the Lost and Found
  3. Wear it as a non-evidence hat
  4. Pocket of cargo pants
  5. Throw it at the sun
  6. Craigslist
  7. Try to burn it, if the evidence is fire
  8. Sprinkled nonchalantly over the
    crime scene
  9. Hide it among other evidence
  10. Under the judge’s robe
Volume 13- Issue 4

Top Ten Reasons You’ll Never Be a Supermodel

January 1, 2004
  1. Have more than a passingresemblance to Ed Asner
  2. Your measurements are 36-24-36-2
  3. Keep accidentally wearing yourthongs backwards
  4. Your finger isn’t long enough toactivate gag reflex
  5. Clothes you model keep burstinginto flames
  6. More penises then generally usual
  7. Won’t do partial nudity; only total nudity
  8. Lost title bout withJennifer Prettymonger
  9. Only the right breast isSupermodel quality
  10. Have no Supermodel Superpowers
Volume 13- Issue 4

Top Ten Bumper Stickers of the Future

January 1, 2004
  1. My fetus is an honor student at
    prenatal academy
  2. Free China, Stop Tibet
  3. Keep your nanomachines out of
    my Uterus!
  4. We’re here, we’re queer, we’re 50% of the US Population
  5. Stop the Dolphins
  6. Save the Whale
  7. US out of Eurochinaustralia
  8. Stop US Aid to what’s left of Israel
  9. It’d be great if schools got all the
    money they wanted and the
    military had to hold a bake sale to
    buy Death Cyborgs
  10. Free Mumia Jr