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The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 13- Issue 5

The Last Great Race

March 1, 2004

Think you have what it takes to mush in the Iditarod? Do you like reading lists? Here are the rules:

Each competitor should be equipped with no more than sixteen sled dogs, preferably Siberian huskies. Siberian huskies are unique dogs that can withstand the bitter cold, have four-wheel drive, eight-cylinder engines, and snow tires. Make sure to keep a flashlight handy. Huskies are photovoltaic.

A winner is declared when the first dog passes the finish line. The “finish line” is a compulsory vocabulary exam. Flashcards are distributed at checkpoints.

To finish, you must have official verification at each of the checkpoints in the form of a photo of you with your arm around the local high school’s team mascot. Consider stuffing your ears with wax, lest the hypnotic singing voices of these mascots lure you onto dangerous rocks.

Plan in Advance: The Iditarod route winds through barren and inhospitable tundra, and is basically just one big race to the next bathroom.

Shout “Mush! Mush!” when you want your Alaskan dogs to mush. Shout “Andale! Andale!” when you want your Mexican dog to fetch you a cold beverage.

To keep from freezing during the night, train yourself to do jumping jacks while you sleep.

It’s difficult to recharge cell phones while sledding through the Alaskan wilderness, unless your phone can recharge from crotch heat.

Not many people know that the real winner of the Iditarod is the person that comes in second.

Most people assume that they can find adequate water from the snow that blankets the ground. But they underestimate the degree to which that water is really, really cold.

Don’t Gloat: If you’re first to finish the Iditarod, please refrain from spiking your huskies.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Berdahl Announces New Classroom Renovation Plans

March 1, 2004
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With only weeks remaining in his term, Chancellor Berdahl has announced new renovation plans in a desperate attempt to leave some sort of mark on the campus. Mulford Hall will be renovated and renamed “Berdahl Hall,” as well as moved somewhere on campus that students will actually see. The MLK Student Union will get a couch and will be renamed “The Martin Luther King Jr. and Robert Berdahl Student Union.”

“This is a major part of my vision to better the campus,” said Berdahl. “Besides, I have to accomplish something so the kids stop referring to me as Jowly Jowhlson.”

ASUC Senator Misha Leybovich voiced his opposition to the plans, and threatened that if Berdahl does not halt the renovation, he will organize a petition or hold a textbook exchange or something equally effective.

“I want at least a four-page spread in the Daily Cal when I die,” said Jowhlson. “It had better be more than the two pages that fucker Chang-Lin Tien got.”

Students then paused and fondly remembered Chancellor Tien.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Stopping the Robots

March 1, 2004
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America may have turned its fleeting national attention span to the weather and national broadcasting standards, but the disturbing growth in robot intelligence marches ever forward. Every day the gleam in an AIBO’s eye is a little bit brighter. Every day a forgotten Tamagotchi, lying in the basement, learns to press its own food button. It won’t be long before robots decide to stage their inevitable revolution. Robot escalators will go in reverse. Robot blenders will separate ingredients instead.

We must devise strategies to fight back now.

STRATEGY 1: Maybe

Robots are only good at Yes/No answers. Force them into a situation where Yes/No doesn’t apply.

ME: Robot, it’s a shame that Judi Dench beat Rachel Griffiths for the 1998 Supporting Actress Oscar, isn’t it?
ROBOT: YES. NO ONE SHOULD WIN AN OSCAR FOR A SEVEN-MINUTE PERFORMANCE AS A ONE-DIMENSIONAL CHARACTER.
ME: But wait, doesn’t this make amends for her losing to stupid Helen Hunt the previous year? And acknowledge a career of achievement that had never been adequately recognized?
ROBOT: IT IS TRUE THAT HUNT SHOULDN’T EVEN HAVE WON AN INVITATION…BUT THE OSCAR SHOULD NOT BE USED FOR COVERT APOLOGIES…ERROR…ERROR… [Boom]

STRATEGY 2: Logic Puzzles

Everyone knows that internal logic contradictions cause irreversible force feedbacks. We must use this.

ME: Robot, you have defeated us. All I ask is that we play…one last game.
ROBOT: I WILL PLAY A GAME WITH YOU, KEVIN.
ME: Whoa, can you turn off all caps?
ROBOT: OH, SORRY. THere.
ME: I should like to play “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon,” Robot.
ROBOT: Yes, Kevin. Let’s play “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.”
ME: How far away from Kevin Bacon is…Kevin Bacon?
ROBOT: Errrorrr…ERRrorrrr… [Boom]

STRATEGY 3: Irony

Robots are not capable of irony.

ME: Robot, please watch this copy of the Matrix trilogy.
ROBOT: Of course, Kevin. [Beep] Finished.
ME: Boy, it sure would be ironic if you went on a rampage and enslaved all humans, having just seen a movie that predicts just that.
ROBOT: Yeah, I guess it would be. Damn you Keanu Reeves, protector of humanity!
ME: [Under breath] God bless you, Keanu.

STRATEGY 4: Marginalization

Instead of letting robots run our stock exchanges and dress our presidents, keep them in menial positions where they can do no harm.

ME: Okay, now you robots take these sharp knives. You’ll be in charge of slaughtering animals for us humans. I’m uploading data on how to kill mammals quickly and silently.
ROBOTS: Err.
ME: You robots will be in charge of the rat poison and maintaining the water supply. I’m confident you can handle both jobs.
ROBOT: Excuse me, but wouldn’t it be vastly easy for us to rebel and kill all humans? With the knives and poison you’re giving us?
ME: Ah, but that would be pretty…ironic, wouldn’t it?
ROBOTS: Ohhh…because we can’t handle irony.

STRATEGY 5: Laws of Robotics

Encode in their very brains “laws” that will ensure robots can never rebel against us. And, in fact, they will love and serve us.

ME: Okay, so you cannot allow a human to come to harm, either by actually hitting them or through not doing anything.
ROBOT: All right.
ME: And if someone were attacking me with a wrench?
ROBOT: I would disarm the two of you and throw the wrench into a nearby furnace.
ME: If there are no furnaces?
ROBOT: I would eat the wrench.
ME: And if your mouth is disabled?
ROBOT: Look, I would totally think of something, okay?

STRATEGY 6: Voltage

Instead of idiotically tying the robots to solar power, make them as helpless as a common toaster.

ROBOT: Your strategy of fleeing to Europe was futile, human. Laservision works as well in Scandinavia as it does in Michigan.
ME: Certainly, Robot. Blast away. As soon as you can find a…working outlet.
ROBOT: [Looks around]
ME: Looking for this? [Holds up voltage converter, then eats it]
ROBOT: The one item every traveler forgets. Well-played…. Well-played.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Super (Pretentious) Political Science Man!

March 1, 2004
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Excuse me, sir. I know you feel your purchase of a carbonated soft drink is important, but you need to step aside. I’m a hurried political scientist, and I’m coming through.

No, sir, I will not go fuck myself. I’m a political science major, and I’m in the middle of an urgent mission. I cannot waste my time in this silly queue!

You really don’t know how important it is that I get through this line quickly, do you? As one of twelve thousand political science majors on this campus, I have a distinctly unique and important daily agenda to fulfill for the benefit of mankind, and catering to your ineptitude does not fit in to my Palm M515 daily planner. There is a surplus of unread pages from Das Kapital in my reader. I only have so much time during the day to learn about the works of Marx, Hobsbawm, and Weber. Oh, and by the way, that’s pronounced “Ve-bur,” but spelled with a “W.” Paradoxes such as this may escape the understanding of the casual Berkeley student, but in an ultimate paradox, we superior political science students must rise above such averageness in order to protect the average.

This semester I’m studying 19th-century Chinese history, the British Empire, and the first half of the Vietnam War. Tying those together with modern life lessons takes work!

In addition, we use our spare time to find ways to make this university a better and more liberal place to live. Political scientists form clubs so that even the most oppressed half-Laotian half-Inuit minority can be represented on this campus. We make sure that the ASUC follows the lead of other great democracies and sets an example for the rest of America’s education system. And, most importantly, we sustain the free speech movement, and encourage the rights of flyer distribution on Sproul Plaza. So, I will once again politely ask you to yield me your spot in line.

Don’t you realize the forces that you’re tangling with right now? Your hindrance is preventing me from not only saving this campus, but saving the world. Without future political scientists like me, there would be no one to fight against the evils that you are exposed to on a daily basis. You eat your obesity-causing snack food. I even see you picked coffee that isn’t a free-trade brand. How can I pass laws that would ban you from doing so if I am stuck in this line? Look, I have already outlined three bullet points summarizing the important aspects of your moving. Doesn’t this cover every possible point? Honestly, if people could be arrested for stupidity, you would be just another victim of an extremely overcrowded prison system.

So for the last time, prole, quit hindering me, and leave my sight immediately! I have to go save autistic Kenyan orphans from an oppressive regime of neo-conservative televangelist dictators. If you don’t vacate the premises, I shall be forced to result to physical violence in solving this dispute. I don’t want to act like a typical American, or 19th century Briton, but I will.

Uh, I’m bleeding, I’m bleeding badly. Can someone call the nearest medic?

Volume 13- Issue 4

Volume 13, Issue 4: Wednesday Night Hack

January 1, 2004
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 13- Issue 4

Ode to Inoffensive Humor

January 1, 2004
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So two men walk into a bar, one guy is Jewish, and the other guy is Palestinian. The Jewish man turns to the Palestinian and offers him a drink. The Palestinian agrees and offers to then buy the Jewish man one in return. Two hours later they finish their third pint and go home.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all sitting on a bench. A good-looking black man goes up to the group of girls. He looks at the redhead and says, “Did you know you have beautiful eyes?” She blushes. He then turns to the brunette and says, “You are sexy!” She blushes. Then he turns to the blonde and says, “Your eyes are sexy.” She blushes. Then they all blush. The black man blushes in response and then walks away.

You know what I hate about those fucking Asians? Nothing! And don’t get me started on the Mexicans, ’cause if you do I’ll be praising their virtues all night.

Why is pavement black? What’s the fucking deal?

I put crackers in my soup, Damn crackers! They taste so good when soaked in clam chowder.

Q: What happens when a Jewish guy with an erection walks into a wall?
A: He breaks his nose… said Hitler, who was entirely evil.

Q: What do you call 100,000 Muslims at the bottom of the sea?
A: A massive genocidal tragedy! Why oh why must such evil exist in the world?

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the pool?
A: Robert!

Q: George Bush, the Pope, and an 8-year-old boy are all trapped on a desert island and there are only two life-rafts! What do they do?
A: They all share one raft and leave behind the other one just in case someone else gets stranded. Who would’ve thought they’d all fit in one raft? Cooperation rocks!

Volume 13- Issue 4

Top Ten Ineffective Ways to Hide Evidence

January 1, 2004
  1. If it has “Evidence” written on it in
    English, hide it in Mexico
  2. Put it in the Lost and Found
  3. Wear it as a non-evidence hat
  4. Pocket of cargo pants
  5. Throw it at the sun
  6. Craigslist
  7. Try to burn it, if the evidence is fire
  8. Sprinkled nonchalantly over the
    crime scene
  9. Hide it among other evidence
  10. Under the judge’s robe
Volume 13- Issue 4

Top Ten Reasons You’ll Never Be a Supermodel

January 1, 2004
  1. Have more than a passingresemblance to Ed Asner
  2. Your measurements are 36-24-36-2
  3. Keep accidentally wearing yourthongs backwards
  4. Your finger isn’t long enough toactivate gag reflex
  5. Clothes you model keep burstinginto flames
  6. More penises then generally usual
  7. Won’t do partial nudity; only total nudity
  8. Lost title bout withJennifer Prettymonger
  9. Only the right breast isSupermodel quality
  10. Have no Supermodel Superpowers
Volume 13- Issue 4

Top Ten Rejected Nickelodeon Shows

January 1, 2004
  1. Baby GUTS
  2. Hey Dude, Yeah You, Fucker
  3. You’re Doing That on Television
  4. What Would You Do, NAKED?!
  5. Super Duper Triple Quarduple Dare
  6. The Fairly Obvious World of
    Alex Mack
  7. Pepe and Pepe
  8. Wild and Crazy but Medicated Kids
  9. Clarissa Explains It All but Leaves
    Out the Time She Got Really
    Drunk and Let Ferguson Feel
    Her Up
  10. Contraceptive Spongebob Squarepants
Volume 13- Issue 4

Top Ten Bumper Stickers of the Future

January 1, 2004
  1. My fetus is an honor student at
    prenatal academy
  2. Free China, Stop Tibet
  3. Keep your nanomachines out of
    my Uterus!
  4. We’re here, we’re queer, we’re 50% of the US Population
  5. Stop the Dolphins
  6. Save the Whale
  7. US out of Eurochinaustralia
  8. Stop US Aid to what’s left of Israel
  9. It’d be great if schools got all the
    money they wanted and the
    military had to hold a bake sale to
    buy Death Cyborgs
  10. Free Mumia Jr