Biochemical researchers at Dow Chemical have reportedly been disappointed with the results of their recent turtle mutation experiment. The research group had hoped to create feisty six foot tall ninja turtles through the use of chemical waste.
Head researcher Geoff Trieu explained, “For the most part, the turtles all just sort of sit there, shedding their skin and struggling to breathe. We tried adding more chemical waste, but nothing helped.” He continued, “I guess we should’ve expected this. We got the same results on the human subjects.”
Hopes were raised when they observed what they believed to be a tiny hand growing from the back of one of the turtles, but after attempts to place nun chucks in the hand met with only blank stares from the turtle, it was decided that the hand was actually a tumor and not capable of kung-fu gripping action.
Reports that the groups’ next project would involve the creation of hypersonic hedgehogs could not be confirmed at this time.