George W. Bush: 007

Although our president’s exploits in the Texas Air National Guard are well documented, Mr. Bush has done even more to help the world as a member of Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

(The Briefing)

AGENT: Your mission, Agent Bush, should you choose to accept it, is to break into the Oil Refinery Compound and locate certain documents. The director of the compoundGAA
BUSH: Steve Harrison.
AGENT: Right. He’s been funneling money to the junta inGAA
BUSH: Man, I haven’t seen old Stevie in YEARS! Steverino! GREAT golfer!
AGENT: Yeah, so you’ll need to slip this into his favorite drink.
BUSH: Tom Collins. Steverino loves a good Tom Collins.
AGENT: We’ll be working with the local government’s secret service.
RICO: Hello sir. I am Enrico Gonzalez and IGAA
BUSH: [Noticing agent] No kidding. Hey Rico Suave, could you go in the back and pick us up a Tom Collins. Oh! And a margarita. Andale.
AGENT: Huh? Bush, this is the head of the foreign service. You shouldGAA
BUSH: Yeah, make it two.

(The Gadget laboratory)

Q: Pay attention, Agent Bush. We have a variety of gadgets for you to work with.
BUSH: Wonderbar.
Q: First we have a special SUV, with ejector seats, missiles, the whole bit.
BUSH: What mileage does it get?
Q: 6.5 per gallon.
BUSH: Awesome. That’s really, really awesome.
Q: We also have a watch thatGAA
BUSH: What mileage does that SUV get again?
Q: 6.5
BUSH: Ha ha! That’s so great!


BUSH: So the papers detailed their plan to buy up all the water in California and hold the state hostage.
AGENT: Incredible. How did you stop them?
BUSH: Huh? Oh, well when I realized the nature of the problem I called up the California authorities right away.
AGENT: And then?
BUSH: I explained that it wasn’t the federal government’s job to bail them out and that they should probably just let the free market run its course.

(In Kucinich’s Sequoia Treetop Lair)

KUCINICH: So, Agent Bush, at last you are in my foul clutches. I think a nice injection of sodium pentothal will loosen your tongue.
BUSH: You’re mad, Kucinich! You and your army of woodland creatures will never triumph.
KUCINICH: Hmm. Can’t seem to find a vein…
BUSH: Oh, you have to shoot it between my toes. [Pause] Huh, thought I had a vein left there.
KUCINICH: Damn you Bush!


LIBERAL: And we’d like to welcome another member to our Liberals for World Domination Group!
BUSH: Hola! I love all kinds of animals and trees, and uh, taxes…
LIBERAL: Are you really a liberal, Comrade Ushbay? Something about you seems… familiar.
BUSH: What? Sure I’m a liberal! Look, my hair is mussed up. I haven’t showered. [Awkward silence]
BUSH: So, when do we go give hand jobs to homeless people?

(Escaping Burning Lair)

BLONDE: Quickly, Agent Bush! There isn’t much time! Start the plane!
BUSH: Yeah. I’ll, uh… I’ll…
BLONDE: Hurry! Can’t you fly??
BUSH: [In tears] I can’t! I CAAAANN’T!