If Everything in Life Were Like Buying Weed

Trying On Shoes

Me: Hey, do you have these in nine and a half? Salesman: Sure, I’ll go get them. But it’ll take about twenty minutes.
Me: What? All you have to do is go back to that little room and get them.
Salesman: Listen — why don’t you just kick back here and play Mario Kart for a while, and I’ll put on some reggae.
Me: [To self] Every time.

Enrolling for Classes

Me: Hey, how can I get enrolled in this new class?
Telebears: I don’t know man.
Me: But you hooked up James with that Poli Sci class last semester, so I know you can hook it up.
Telebears: I didn’t do it, I referred him to someone who I know through a friend. Just a guy, really.
Me: Dude, I’m cool. I swear, I’ve been scheduling classes for years now.
Telebears: I can give you the guy’s pager number, but that’s it.

Buying a Computer

Me: So umm, how much memory does this gadget have?
Salesman: Does it really matter man? It will get the job done, I assure you.
Me: It seems like something I should know.
Salesman: All you need to know is that I got it from the biggest distributor in town.
Me: Who’s that?
Salesman: Some small house in Oakland, the whole house reeks of the information age.

Buying a New Car

Car Dealer: Now, I know I told you I was only gonna charge you forty-five thousand dollars for this car, but I’m gonna have to charge you fifty thousand.
Me: Why?
Car Dealer: Well, my other cars were made in Mexico, which is totally decent.
Me: Where was this one made?
Car Dealer: Humboldt County.

Panhandling For Money

Homeless Man: Hey hey, young fellow, I see you have a big sack of change, hook me up with a pinch.
Me: Hey man, I don’t even know you.
Homeless Man: I’m not asking for a million dollars man, I just need something that can get me through the next few hours, you know so I can buy some salt. Salt makes my food taste so much better.

Breaking Up with your Girlfriend

Me: I just can’t do this anymore. Our relationship has gotten so plain and boring.
Girlfriend: So what are you trying to say?
Me: When we first started dating, you gave me such a buzz, but I’ve lost that feeling of commitment toward you and I think I’m ready to move on to a more serious relationship.
Girlfriend: But I’m only a small fine! Anyone more serious will get you a misdemeanor!

Buying Weed

Me: Hey, can I buy some weed?
Pot Dealer: That is so cliche!