Whomever it May Concern:
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “I, George Washington Carver, didn’t commit suicide.” Well I did. Life is full of surprises.
I decided to end my life because I foresaw being known as “the Peanut Guy,” sometimes as “the Black Peanut Guy,” but usually as just “Black.” Do you have any idea how much that hurts? Everyone will remember the peanut barium and the peanut-iron alloy, but I also made stuff out of pecans and sweet potatoes. I guess these aren’t as sexy as peanuts, but that isn’t for me to decide. You invent one peanut helicopter and nobody cares about the sweet potato lightning rod. I enjoyed my soybean work the most. It turned out you could make soy from it.
The world won’t remember that I was the first person to call manatees “sea cows.” I also came up with the idea for brims on hats. You know what people wore before their hats had brims? Shoes! Shoes on their heads and barrels for short pants. Tetris was also my idea, along with the genetic code for most birds.
You might be wondering how I killed myself. Well, I’ll have you know that I won’t be the only one to suffer: I’m bringing the whole peanut-obsessed world down with me. You see, besides the hundreds of useful products I invented, I also created the lethal peanut allergy. I did this out of spite. Records should indicate that I died of swollen glands and hate.
From now on you’ll have to check labels: “May contain peanuts” they’ll say. Does it or doesn’t it? Feel lucky, asshole? Want some mixed nuts? What’re they mixed with? Could be peanuts. Want some Girl Scout Cookies? May contain death! Thanks to my genius, you now take your life in your hands every snack break or trip to the peanut museum, which is both fascinating and deadly. Like shark tanks.