Lies Parents Tell

Lying to children is fun and easy. Observe the following commonplacelies, and then find a small life to ruin.

Lie: With hard work you can be anything you want to be.
Truth: Try as you might, kid, but you’ll never be Harlem Globetrotter Legend William “Pop” Gates. That train’s passed, and you weren’t on it.

Lie: If your hand is bigger than your face then you have cancer.
Truth: If your hand is bigger than your face then you have cancer of the hand.

Lie: Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings.
Truth: Every time a dog is shot an angel gets a high five.

Lie: Your father left to get cigarettes. He’ll be back in 20 minutes.
Truth: You’re genetically inclined to get hand cancer. Your father will be back in more like an hour.

Lie: It’s not whether you win or lose, its how you play the game.
Truth: Your father isn’t getting cigarettes; he’s “sorting some things out.” And sure it’s cute now, but by the time you’re 15 that bump will be a full scale deformity.

Lie: It’s not your fault we’re getting divorced.
Truth: It’s our fault for losing ourselves in one moment of passion in an IHOP parking lot off of I-5. It’s your fault we’re getting divorced.

Lie: Someday you can grow up to be President!
Truth: You are an ethnic minority. And a woman. It is genetically probable you are gay.

Lie: You could even be a Firefighter!
Truth: It is genetically probable you are gay, so yes, you can be a firefighter. Indian or Police Chief would also be acceptable answers.

Lie: If you keep making that face, it’ll freeze like that.
Truth: Your face cannot freeze like that because it is in a happy expression, and soon you will want to cry.