The Gameplan

Okay, gentlemen. And ladies. And Stevina. Team huddle. We all know what our objective is and what we’ll need to do to meet it. Turn your attention to the diagram on the board, and put on your 3-D glasses. I know that several of you are colorblind; this is all in accordance with the plan. People, we’re at Code Grey here.

Agent Johnston, you are in charge of the Distraction. I have marked the positions you’ll need to be in at exactly 3:30 here, here, and way over here. I don’t know, clone yourself or something. I’ve supplied 50,000 of the multicolored balloons you’ll need; the other half will have to come out of your own resources. Similarly, these will be the monkeys you’ll have at your disposal. Sir Chimps-ahoy, meet Eric. Eric, likewise. At my signal, which will be clearly visible over most of the peninsula, you will release the flares in such a way that they spell out the worst insult imaginable in our opponent’s language. I’m aware that it has no written form.

Bianca, you will be infiltrating the compound using your feminine wiles. As you can see here, you’ll be first seducing these two guards simultaneously. Then you’ll have to flirt your way through this checkpoint, over this fence, and past these guard dogs. We have the utmost confidence in you. Here is the clown suit you’ll be wearing, and these drugged pork chops may come in handy. You can’t use them on the dogs, however. I’m not sure exactly how seduction works, so I’m also including this ballerina tutu.

Louis, you’ll be coordinating our main assault. As we can’t risk harming the target, you will be using a wide array of non-lethal weaponry. That includes the almost-nuke, not-so-silly string, day-old Mexican food, and our extensive selection of gummy tanks. We also have water balloons with slightly basic water. Everyone always expects acids; they’ll never expect bases!

Once Louis’ assault has succeeded, Ronny, you will have to disarm the bomb. Cut the one of the four wires that has exactly two others on each side. It’ll be a reddish color, with purplish overtones. More of a Cardinal Red then a Fire Engine Red. I have some swatches here. This will open up the case to disarm the second bomb. At this point you’ll want to play the audio tape I’ve provided for you. It’s a message from your wife announcing that she’s divorcing you for a well-hung Guatemalan several years your junior. She will, however, be leaving your son with you, who has just become both gay and a Wiccan. Why would I tell you all this at the moment when you need incredible, nay, absolute, concentration? Let’s just say that the fifth bomb has an emotion sensor. Also, you’ll be working in complete darkness.

Horst, as our resident ninja, we’ll need you to stay here back at HQ and clean the microwave. Hey, you should have thought of that before you made soup.

And finally, Stevina, your role is the linch-pin to this entire operation. You will secretly parachute in, using this parachute painted to look like a group of slowly falling crows. Quietly cut your way through the ceiling, then scatter these Skittles on the floor. When the guards bend over to pick them up, let them. What they don’t know is this: you’ve got some Skittles too. Then, sneak by the snacking guards with the sheer silence and precision of a silence machine. Not the Taiwanese-made ones; those are pretty loud. At this point, you’re really going to wonder why I’ve equipped you with several dollars’ worth of loose change in your cargo pants pocket. Moving on. You will have to guess the code to the vault. I recommend starting at “11111” and working your way up. Once in, you’ll have only a short amount of time before the poison anthrax nuke is unleashed. Stuff the dossier into the bags, go back the way you came, and parachute back to the plane.

I know it’ll be difficult men and ladies and whatever. But that’s why I hired you.