I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that no job I will ever have will provide me with the opportunity to be a hero. It seems a little unfair, then, that just by virtue of being employed in certain occupations as a fireman, for instance you’re suddenly considered one. You wouldn’t call me a doctor if you saw me in a hospital, or Chancellor of the Universe if I put my pants on before my shoes. Being a fireman is similar to doing one of these things. And everyone calling them heroes is like lying to retarded children.

If I walked down the street wearing a bright yellow coat and goggles, you wouldn’t call me a hero, you’d direct me to the nearest tickle fight, which you’d rightly assume I had not only organized, but had been eagerly anticipating participation in. After thanking you, I’d then go into the Glittery Pink Feather shop to buy things made out of lace.

And don’t even get me started on members of the armed services. That’s like a giant coward bomb full of failures. Here are the reasons for joining the military with their corresponding anti-heroic origins in parentheses:

1. Having something to prove (insecure)
2. Having nowhere else to go (human wasteland)
   My point is this: I’ll bet if I tried real hard, I could drop out of school and lose my job at the steel mill too. But I choose not to. Instead, I choose to read books rather than EATING THEM. I call it learning.

Some say it’s the unrelenting stalwartness in the face of danger that makes them heroes. Bullshit. There are three things a fireman thinks when he walks into a burning building:

1. run away
2. afraid
3. they’re going to call me a hero for this
   Pussy, pussy, different kind of pussy.

So to the firemen and members of the armed services: we’re lying to you. Everyone at home is glad they don’t have to do what you do. Do you know how much fun watching a parade is? No. No you don’t because you’re always in them. Watching a parade is like having sex on a mountain of happiness. You may get to be on display, but you’re also walking seventeen miles down a road on a sunny day.

Let’s face it; the Internet had a lot to offer in its heyday: earth-shattering breakthroughs in communication, data access, and commerce, just to name a few. Yeah, the Internet was pretty cool.

Around the same time the idea of a global network of interconnected computing machines was picking up momentum, technology had a second Big Bang: the one that conceived me. As challenging the oppressive rule of Goliath was David’s charge, so was I pitted against the Internet, vying for my due recognition from within the shadow of an imposing behemoth.

After years of fierce and controversial debate that has torn nations, families apart, I have decided to compile a comprehensive comparison to once and for all settle this, the rivalry to end all rivalries.

Internet: Instantaneous access to virtually unlimited information
Mark: Access to the Internet

Thanks to the searching power of the Internet, I can help track down whatever it is you need to find, virtually anywhere.

Mark +1

Internet: Global communication
Mark: Strong interpersonal skills

The Internet may connect you to users in other countries, but can it effectively leverage synergies towards a common goal? The Internet can’t even drive a car. How lame.

Mark +1

Internet: Broadband connection
Mark: Connection

With the advent of widespread broadband and wireless access, the Internet is increasingly easy to connect to whereas, because of questionable parenting, I am not.

Internet +1

Internet: Vast and wildly diverse collection of pornography
Mark: Well-catalogued, vast, and wildly diverse collection of pornography

With Mark Thomas, what you see is what you get. I take the time to appropriately label and categorize my amalgam of adult media. The Internet expends no such effort; this often leads to one embarrassing oneself. I will never embarrass you while you are viewing your pornography.

Mark +1

In closing, even if we look at fundamental qualties such as leadership potential, we find the Internet painfully deficient. The Internet may have ushered in the digital age, but there are serious doubts as to whether or not it could quiet down a room in less than fifteen seconds. My can-do attitude embarrasses the Internet’s passive management style.

In conclusion, I win for all of the following reasons: I am not the Internet and I don’t suck. Also, the Internet can’t defend itself in writing.