Supreme Court Justice League

April 1, 2005

Most people think that the Supreme Court is just a bunch of old white dudes who sit around reading all day and occasionally get up to have an opinion or aneurysm. This is pretty much true. However, what most people don’t know is that the Supreme Court doles out justice not only in the courtroom, but also in the streets. Behold The Supreme Court Justice League!

_ Justice Sutherland has a deadly brush with danger when his secret identity is nearly discovered! _

Teenager 1: Hey, who’s that naked old dude in the phone booth?
Teenager 2: I think that’s Supreme Court Justice Sutherland, famous for his defense of the right to an attorney in the Powell v. Alabama case.
Teenager 1: What, is he like, putting on a cape?
Justice Sutherland: Zounds! Teenagers are not as stupid and uninformed as I have heard! There’s only one way to handle this. I must use my rhetorical powers to drive them off, thus preserving my secret identity!
Teenager 1: What the hell? Now he’s yelling at us.
Justice Sutherland: Dammit. Well, there’s always the Gavel of Justice. [kills teenagers with a hammer]

_ Things get sticky when our heroes encounter an old nemesis who has given up humanity for cybernetic implants: Alexander Hamilton! _

Alexander Hamilton: So! It’s the weakest branch, here to stop my nefarious plan for world domination!
Justice Ginsburg: That’s right, Alexander Hamilton. We’ve defeated all of your poorly-trained henchmen and now nothing stands between us and you. So what are you going to do now?
Hamilton: [transforms into Alexander Hamil-Tron] BECOME A GIANT ROBOT.
Justice Ginsburg: Well, shit. What do we do now?
Justice Thomas: Let’s argue that it was never his original intent to turn into a robot and limit his authority to ports and harbors

_ The Supreme Court Justice League finds that one of their number has betrayed them, and is trying to steal that most vital of treasures: the constitutional rights of the American citizen! _

Evil Justice Roberts: Mwahaha! With my constitutionally mandated powers, I shall strip all Americans of the right to an attorney, thus redefining American federalism…FOREVER!
Justice Thomas: Not so fast, Roberts! You didn’t count on the Supreme Court Justice League’s secret weapon!
Justice Roberts: Fool! You’re too late! The court decision is already being implemented at the state and county level! Mwahaha!
Justice Thomas: Oh, I beg to respectfully dissent. You see, I know your one weakness.
Justice Roberts: And what is that?
Justice Thomas: Like most Supreme Court Justices, you’re older than dirt’s much older cousin!
Justice Roberts: Curse you, Supreme Court Justice League! [dies of heart failure]

_ The League encounters villains with a score to settle: Christian Fundamentalists! _

Fundamentalists: The jig is up, Injustice League! You’ll never succeed with your evil plan to kill babies using the Roe v. Wade decision!
Justice Thomas: That’s where you’re wrong! As Supreme Court Justices, we have the Constitutional duty to kill babies!
Fundamentalist: Oh, I didn’t want it to have to come to this…but I’m afraid you leave me no choice.
Justice Thomas: What are you guys going to do? Throw Bibles at me?
Fundamentalist: [chants ancient language while drawing runes in the sand]
Jesus: [appears in burst of golden light, rolls up sleeves, tilts hat at jaunty angle] Fear my Jesuswrath! [throws Bibles at Justice Thomas]
Justice Thomas: Stop that! Those are going to leave welts!
Jesus: So do coat hangers, Mr. Thomas. So do coat hangers.

Volume 14- Issue 6

Top Ten Things to Do with a Magic Magic Marker

April 1, 2005

top ten

Sniff it
Wish for more wishes
Aw man, this one’s licorice
Heal a man’s broken arm by signing
Donate to low-income magic kindergarten
Draw animated blinking penis on passed-out roommate’s face
Accidentally leave cap off, dry up all the magic
Painfully shame an ordinary glue stick
Connect the hell out of dots
Draw happiness, eat it

Volume 14- Issue 6

Ancient Greek Philosophy, Stripped of its Artifice

April 1, 2005

feature, Sean Keane

Plato and the Allegory of the Cave

Imagine a row of naked pre-adolescent boys tied up in the back of a cave. For some reason they can’t move their heads at all – maybe it’s a ball gag, or some kind of horse harness – but all they can see is the back wall of the cave. They’re all oiled up, and they’re sort of scared, so they’re trembling and they’ve all got goosebumps, but there’s also a fire behind them and it’s making them all sweaty and…okay, sorry. Anyway, there’s a parapet between them and the fire, so all they can see are shadows of objects passing in front of the fire, like, say, the semi-tumescent penis of an aging-yet-virile Greek philosopher, and he’s slowly undulating, and…okay, sorry again. The key is, they have no knowledge of the real whips, or butt plugs, or even this one thing that me and Socrates put together that has a bunch of fig leaves wrapped around a shepherd’s crook. The boys only see the material shadows of these forms, but they talk about them as if they’re real. But they’ll learn how real they are. Oh, they’ll learn.

The Monologues of Socrates

Socrates: For when we ponder the great philosophers of ancient Greece, Socrates is by far the finest.
Socrates: Undoubtedly.
Socrates: But when we consider all of the thinkers of the realm, is it wrong for us to value their bravery along with their brilliant minds? Is it fair to place Socrates above the other thinkers of this realm, because of his fearlessness, his courage, and his enormous dong?
Socrates: I do not think we can separate such issues, but in truth, to consider what a stone-cold badass he is gives naught but favor to the reputation and esteem due to Socrates.
Socrates: And what about that time he fought Euripides? Didn’t Socrates totally kick his ass? Is it not true that Euripides cried, much like a little girl?
Socrates: There can be no question of that.

Hippocrates and His Hypocritical Oath

I know I said, “First, do no harm” when treating patients, but honestly, I totally killed patients on purpose all the time. It’s not a big deal. Just blame it on the humours.

Aristotelian Physics

“Eureka” doesn’t mean “I have found it.” It means “Check out my sack.” I was in the bathtub, and, sure, I discovered the principle of displacement, but you know what was doing the displacing? Deez nuts. Racing through the streets, all the Greek bitches want the philosopher with the biggest nuts. And guess what? He is I and I am him. What’s my motherfuckin’ name?

Volume 14- Issue 6

Bullshit

Firemen Are Pussies

April 1, 2005

feature, Mark Thomas

I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that no job I will ever have will provide me with the opportunity to be a hero. It seems a little unfair, then, that just by virtue of being employed in certain occupations as a fireman, for instance you’re suddenly considered one. You wouldn’t call me a doctor if you saw me in a hospital, or Chancellor of the Universe if I put my pants on before my shoes. Being a fireman is similar to doing one of these things. And everyone calling them heroes is like lying to retarded children.

If I walked down the street wearing a bright yellow coat and goggles, you wouldn’t call me a hero, you’d direct me to the nearest tickle fight, which you’d rightly assume I had not only organized, but had been eagerly anticipating participation in. After thanking you, I’d then go into the Glittery Pink Feather shop to buy things made out of lace.

And don’t even get me started on members of the armed services. That’s like a giant coward bomb full of failures. Here are the reasons for joining the military with their corresponding anti-heroic origins in parentheses:

Having something to prove (insecure)
Having nowhere else to go (human wasteland)
My point is this: I’ll bet if I tried real hard, I could drop out of school and lose my job at the steel mill too. But I choose not to. Instead, I choose to read books rather than EATING THEM. I call it learning.

Some say it’s the unrelenting stalwartness in the face of danger that makes them heroes. Bullshit. There are three things a fireman thinks when he walks into a burning building:

run away
afraid
they’re going to call me a hero for this
Pussy, pussy, different kind of pussy.

So to the firemen and members of the armed services: we’re lying to you. Everyone at home is glad they don’t have to do what you do. Do you know how much fun watching a parade is? No. No you don’t because you’re always in them. Watching a parade is like having sex on a mountain of happiness. You may get to be on display, but you’re also walking seventeen miles down a road on a sunny day.

Volume 14- Issue 6

Everything in Berkeley Is Uphill

April 1, 2005

newsflash, Sean Keane

A recent study commissioned by the Office of Student Life has concluded that everything on the Berkeley campus is uphill. “No matter where a student begins, his journey to any campus building will inevitably lead him up a steep incline,” said the study’s director, Dr. Eric Vinson. A typical humanities student’s path will take him from the BART station to Valley Life Sciences Building, to Wheeler Hall, and then to Le Conte. Vinson warns that such constant, grueling hikes have a profound and daunting effect on morale. “Over four years, a Berkeley student may indeed develop the calves of a matador, but the negative reinforcement caused by always walking up a grade leads inevitably to depression and truancy.”

Professor Falcone of the Physics Department denounced the study. “This is ridiculous pseudo-science. Unless UC Berkeley were built on a Mobius strip, there is simply no way that every campus building could be uphill from every other.” He then left to deliver a lecture at the top of a rope suspended from the sky above Hearst Mining Circle.

Volume 14- Issue 6

Top Ten Ways to Win an Argument

April 1, 2005

top ten

Never admit you’re wrong, and be immortal
Use obscure phrases to hoist them by their own petard
Successfully throw three bean bags through clown’s mouth at Rhetorical Carnival
Make jazz hands until your opponent
is dazzled
Liberal use of American flag
Hit them with the folding chair of superior rhetoric, and then a regular one
Carry a parrot that’s always right, and basically rehash whatever it says
Change into your argument pants
Finally, finally reveal why you always carry a trident
Admit that they’re right, and you’re wrong, but only about them being right

Volume 14- Issue 6

We’re Pro-Life!

April 1, 2005

feature, Matt Loker

Let’s face it: death is really trendy right now. With US Weekly regulars like The Pope and 3000 Indonesians dying, kids are all rushing out to the malls to have their feeding tubes removed. But not so fast! Much like tongue piercings, dying is something you immediately regret afterwards. Also, dying and tongue piercings both constantly terrify old people.

So who really wants to die? It’s bleak, it’s not any fun, and it makes your family cry. But unlike your Political Science degree, you can’t fix death by telling people you’re still thinking about Law School. No, death is a tricky customer.

Avoiding death, on the other hand, is actually quite simple for any non-dumbfuck. Just use common sense at any given point and you’ll live forever. For example, if it has whirling blades, don’t have sex with it. Don’t eat at a place with a sign that says “Health Inspector: D” or “La Val’s.” Don’t eat soup, because it always leaves you unsatisfied.

Getting sick: don’t do it! Simple. But if you’re one of those Mountain Dew rock stars that just has to live on the edge, try this: only contract diseases that sound bad but aren’t fatal, like Fickle-Cell Anemia or Bread Cancer. Signs of poor health include coughing and sneezing, which means you’re already sick and could die. Even poorer health is indicated by coughing and sneezing blood onto downed powerlines.

Okay, you’re a cocksure racecar driver with a pregnant wife and you crap valuable baseball cards. Though you’ll probably never die, don’t go and do anything stupid like buying life insurance. That’s like signing a paper saying “Yes, I’m going to die one day.” You can’t bet against yourself! Pete Rose never bet against The Cincinnati Reds, which is why they always win at everything.

Say you live a long and healthy life, but death still comes after your decrepit and withered soul. He’ll probably want to play a game of chess with you, so if he’s winning, be sure to swallow a bunch of the pieces and choke. Don’t give that asshole the satisfaction of winning at chess. Same goes for playing poker with death, or a footrace with death, or playing chess with your grandfather.

Every time I think about the hereafter, I’m reminded of an old-world proverb my mother used to tell me at night. “Matt,” she’d say, “you’re going to die at 21 in a fiery hovercraft accident.” Which reminds me of the new-world proverb: “Hey, what’s the number to that hovercraft rental place.”

Volume 14- Issue 5

Volume 14, Issue 5: (Don’t Look at) The Magic Eye

February 1, 2005

issue

PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 14- Issue 5

Bee and Allergic Man Killed in Murder-suicide Pact

February 1, 2005

newsflash

According to police, it was probably an ongoing relationship of an “intimate and bestial/insectoid nature” between a common honeybee and a Mr. Darrel Motts that led to the deaths of both earlier this week.

“We believe that the frustration of their
sexually deviant union built until they both
were driven into a desperate madness of some sort. Motts probably talked the bee into
penetrating his flesh, thus injecting him with
the sweet venom of her lower thorax. This, of
course, sent him into anaphylactic shock and
ripped her barbed stinger from her body, killing them both shortly thereafter.”

Motts’s family expressed confusion and regret, while representatives of the bee’s hive stated that said drone was “defective” and that its inhabitants would “SWARM ALL WHO OPPOSE THE HIVE.”

Motts’s last words were said to be, “Holy God I’ve been stung by a bee and I’m fucking
allergic! Jesus God somebody call an ambulance!”

Volume 14- Issue 5

The Adventures of Sven Bjolnir

Viking High School Student

February 1, 2005

feature, Fred Taylor-Hochberg

Girls

Thor: [Grinning, surrounded by giggling wenches, showing off gleaming
warhammer] Yeah, I made this sweet little hunk of steel. Smithed her from the fire of a thousand stars. Oh, and did I mention that I
killed the evil serpent Jormungand with this baby?
Girls: Ooh! Your hammer is so…big!
Sven: [Eating leg of mutton nearby] Bullshit. Thor’s only popular because of that stupid hammer.
Sven’s Friend Bjorn: So why don’t you get one of your own?
Sven: Well, it helps that my daddy doesn’t own a mystical iron forge in Valhalla!
Bjorn: Point taken.

Drinking

Sven’s father: Son, you reek of mead. Were you drinking at Loki’s party?
Sven: [Evasively] I, uh, don’t know what you’re talking about, Dad. Loki’s parents were home and everything.
Sven’s father: You lie. I know for a fact that Laufey and Farbauti are off fighting the Frost Giants in Northern Midgard.
Sven: Wait, Dad, I can explain…
Sven’s father: There is no explaining
to do. As punishment, you are not to longboat anywhere except school for the next month.

Road Trip

Sven: [Excitedly] Dude, exploring
Norway GAA I mean, the mystical land of Midgard GAA is going to be so tight!
Bjorn: Hell yeah, I can’t wait to see all the famous Norwegian landmarks. Ice Mountain, Snow Valley, Really Cold Gorge…but first we need some wheels. Did your dad say we could borrow his longcar?
Sven: No, man. It’s still in the longshop.
Bjorn: Longdammit!

Drugs

Bjorn: Hey Sven, we’re going to go smoke a bowl on the hill. Want to join us?
Sven: Well, despite being a Viking and not knowing what that expression could possibly mean, okay.
[Twenty minutes later]
Bjorn: Dude, have you ever really looked at the Northern Lights? I mean, really looked at them? It’s like, magic, or something.
Sven: No, dude, I think it has to do with like, Science.
Bjorn: Science?
Sven: Oh, Science is the god of light and space.

Dating

Bjorn: So, Sven, how was your date with Hilda the Valkyrie last night? She’s hot as Hel!
Sven: [Grinning] Let’s just say it went well.
Bjorn: [Winks knowingly] Oh yeah?
Sven: [Unable to contain himself] I totally raped her, dude! And then I sacked her thatched hut.
Bjorn: [High-fiving Sven] Way to go, man!