Most people think that the Supreme Court is just a bunch of old white dudes who sit around reading all day and occasionally get up to have an opinion or aneurysm. This is pretty much true. However, what most people don’t know is that the Supreme Court doles out justice not only in the courtroom, but also in the streets. Behold The Supreme Court Justice League!
_ Justice Sutherland has a deadly brush with danger when his secret identity is nearly discovered! _
Teenager 1: Hey, who’s that naked old dude in the phone booth?
Teenager 2: I think that’s Supreme Court Justice Sutherland, famous for his defense of the right to an attorney in the Powell v. Alabama case.
Teenager 1: What, is he like, putting on a cape?
Justice Sutherland: Zounds! Teenagers are not as stupid and uninformed as I have heard! There’s only one way to handle this. I must use my rhetorical powers to drive them off, thus preserving my secret identity!
Teenager 1: What the hell? Now he’s yelling at us.
Justice Sutherland: Dammit. Well, there’s always the Gavel of Justice. [kills teenagers with a hammer]
_ Things get sticky when our heroes encounter an old nemesis who has given up humanity for cybernetic implants: Alexander Hamilton! _
Alexander Hamilton: So! It’s the weakest branch, here to stop my nefarious plan for world domination!
Justice Ginsburg: That’s right, Alexander Hamilton. We’ve defeated all of your poorly-trained henchmen and now nothing stands between us and you. So what are you going to do now?
Hamilton: [transforms into Alexander Hamil-Tron] BECOME A GIANT ROBOT.
Justice Ginsburg: Well, shit. What do we do now?
Justice Thomas: Let’s argue that it was never his original intent to turn into a robot and limit his authority to ports and harbors
_ The Supreme Court Justice League finds that one of their number has betrayed them, and is trying to steal that most vital of treasures: the constitutional rights of the American citizen! _
Evil Justice Roberts: Mwahaha! With my constitutionally mandated powers, I shall strip all Americans of the right to an attorney, thus redefining American federalism…FOREVER!
Justice Thomas: Not so fast, Roberts! You didn’t count on the Supreme Court Justice League’s secret weapon!
Justice Roberts: Fool! You’re too late! The court decision is already being implemented at the state and county level! Mwahaha!
Justice Thomas: Oh, I beg to respectfully dissent. You see, I know your one weakness.
Justice Roberts: And what is that?
Justice Thomas: Like most Supreme Court Justices, you’re older than dirt’s much older cousin!
Justice Roberts: Curse you, Supreme Court Justice League! [dies of heart failure]
_ The League encounters villains with a score to settle: Christian Fundamentalists! _
Fundamentalists: The jig is up, Injustice League! You’ll never succeed with your evil plan to kill babies using the Roe v. Wade decision!
Justice Thomas: That’s where you’re wrong! As Supreme Court Justices, we have the Constitutional duty to kill babies!
Fundamentalist: Oh, I didn’t want it to have to come to this…but I’m afraid you leave me no choice.
Justice Thomas: What are you guys going to do? Throw Bibles at me?
Fundamentalist: [chants ancient language while drawing runes in the sand]
Jesus: [appears in burst of golden light, rolls up sleeves, tilts hat at jaunty angle] Fear my Jesuswrath! [throws Bibles at Justice Thomas]
Justice Thomas: Stop that! Those are going to leave welts!
Jesus: So do coat hangers, Mr. Thomas. So do coat hangers.