Clippit Goes to Work

August 1, 2002

In a small office on the 42nd floor of the Chrysler Building,
a paper clip standing 3 feet 7 inches walks in. He has two round googly eyes
and floating eyebrows. He’s walking on a piece of magical floating paper.
I’m not even sure if we can call it walking. He’s a paper clip
and has no legs. A bald man with glasses, a bead of sweat on the side of
his head, wearing a gentleman’s shirt, tie, and suspenders meticulously
shuffles through papers while sitting at his desk.

Stanley: Are you Clippit?

Clippit: Yes. May I be of service?

Stanley: It says here you’ve come about the job. [light bulb
appears over Clippit’s head] You want to be a tax accountant?

Clippit: [light bulb bursts] I’d like to be of assistance.

Stanley: I like your attitude, kid. Have a seat? [Clippit flies
across room, bounces off the wall, spins, does a somersault, hovers above
the chair, probes the chair with the end of his wire frame, and gently settles
into the seat] Marvelous! You’ve got spunk my friend.

Clippit: What would you like to do?

Stanley: Well, what we do here at Jacob & Johnson Tax Services
is other people’s taxes.

Clippit: I could show you how to perform calculations on a table …
Or reference cells in a table … Or delete tables or cells…

Stanley: Terrific! That’s exactly what we want.

Clippit: Would you like me to show you how?

Stanley: Well, why not? [Clippit flies outside the building, demolishes
the wall to the office with a heavy duty jackhammer sending it crashing to
the ground below killing 3 bystanders, carries a an enormous heavy steel
plate and squeezes the remainder of the office to 3/5 its original size]

Clippit: [in the isolated 2/5 of the office] Making tables
is easy, here’s how…

Stanley: [outraged] Wha, wha, wha, what are you doing?!

Clippit: I’m going to show you how easy it is to make a table
using Microsoft Excel.

Stanley: You’ve completely ruined my office! Look at this mess!
There’s plaster and steel everywhere. I can’t work in here! What
sort of Satanic devil machine are you?!

Clippit: To make a table. Go to the Table and Borders toolbar, click
Draw Table [the pointer changes to a pencil.] To define the outer…

Stanley: Stop!!! Stop what you’re doing! [Clippit hovers up
a few feet. Acts like he’s about to go to sleep on his big floating
piece of paper] You need to leave this minute or I’ll have you removed.
[Clippit smiles, doesn’t understand a word coming out of Stanley’s
mouth. Stanley, irate, lunges to throw him out. Clippit slides over. The
process continues until Clippit is finally in the upper corner of the shrunken
office. Stanley lies on the floor in disgust after his failed attempts.]

Clippit: What would you like to do?

Stanley: Please leave! You’ve done enough damage.

Clippit: Here’s today’s tip. To automate a task, go to…

Stanley: [visibly shaken, glasses askew on head] Shut up! You
worthless, nonfunctional piece of monkey trash. Damn you! I hate you and
everything you stand for. If I ever see a paper clip with fucking beady eyes
like yours, I’ll snap it in two!

Clippit: Would you like to choose a new assistant?

Stanley: Yes!!!!!! [enter talking dolphin, genius that looks eerily
like Albert Einstein, a bouncing red dot with Clippit’s eyes, and a
cartoon cat] Go Awaaaay!!!!!

Clippit: What would you like to do? [Stanley reaches out with right
hand. His right hand hits a small panel on Clippit. The panel pops up; it
reads “hide assistant.” Stanley flips the switch. All the assistants
dart out of the office. An overjoyed Stanley cries himself to sleep. The
office remains in a catastrophic state.]

Volume 12- Issue 1

Road Trip? …More like RAD trip!

August 1, 2002

feature, Kenny Byerly

I couldn’t believe it when my friend Josh told me that a greedy developer
had bought his parents’ shopping center and was about to tear it down
to build lavish new low-income housing. We needed to raise a bunch of money,
but fast. And we’re not talking chump change, like that time I robbed
Fort Knox last week. Luckily, Josh’s uncle had an “in” with
the state lottery in Minnesota, where the jackpot had ballooned to over
seventy-eight thousand dollars. Still, even that wouldn’t do us much
good unless we could buy a Minnesota lottery ticket before they selected
the numbers at the end of the week. It was time to hit the road.

Saturday


We're taking my brand new sports car, because Josh doesn't have
a car, just a lot of useless frequent flyer miles. So far we're making
good time. But gas mileage is poor. I don't really understand. I expected
better from a car made entirely of solid gold.

&#xA0;



Sunday


Turns out we weren't making such good time after all. We've actually
been stuck in a ditch for the last twelve hours just spinning our wheels.
I blame the solid gold tires, because traction is poor. Josh says the problem
is that we can't see anything because the windshield is made of gold
and is thus totally opaque. I hate him sometimes.

&#xA0;



Monday


We ran off the road again and hit a fence because smarty-pants Josh likes
to talk too much and distract me while I'm driving. Fortunately the
air bags deployed and knocked out some teeth and gave me a concussion (because
they're made of gold). Other than that we're fine. On a side note,
this car dents too easily.

&#xA0;



Tuesday


Today Josh asked me why my car is made of gold. I suppose he has a better
way of hiding stolen gold bars than by melting them down and molding them
into a fully functional automobile? Unlikely. Also, we tried to play a CD
but we weren't getting any sound from the speakers. You get the idea.

&#xA0;



Wednesday


The guy at the motel wouldn't give us a room, no matter how many times
Josh flashed him. For some reason that just made him call the police. The
next motel wasn't any better. I wish we had some money. We ended up
sleeping in the car, which was uncomfortable because the seats are really
hard.

&#xA0;



Thursday


I can't believe it. I let Josh drive for just two minutes, just so I
can take a rest, and he totals my car. No way it's going anywhere now,
and we're still in Nebraska. We needed a new ride, so we spent the afternoon
burglarizing houses for good silverware until I had enough to melt down and
make another car. This time I made a station wagon so we could have some
extra storage space. We've been buying lots of souvenirs.

&#xA0;



Friday


Made it! Just in the nick of time, too. We got the last ticket in the first
7-Eleven across the Minnesota border, just minutes before they picked the
numbers. Josh lost.

&#xA0;



Afterwards


The station wagon broke down, so we sold it for the price of two bus tickets
home. Then the mechanic in Nebraska called and said he couldn't fix
the sports car, so I just told him to keep it. Josh called me today to tell
me his family lost the shopping center, but I couldn't hear him very
well because my phone is made of rubies.

Volume 12- Issue 1

Gag Gift Leads to Queer Consequences

August 1, 2002

Kenny Byerly, newsflash

UC Berkeley students Jeff Conway and Tad Johaneston were shocked last week
when they discovered that a gag birthday gift had backfired in a most unexpected
fashion. Earlier in the week the friends had purchased a pair of jeans from
Out of the Closet, a thrift store specializing in fashions popular with
homosexual men. The jeans were intended as a gag birthday gift for their
mutual friend Leroy Sparks.

“The store is painted purple and everything,” said Conway, explaining
the hilariousness of the gift. “We thought it would be great if he went
and tried on the pants and then we could tell him we got them at a gay
store.”

The plan backfired when, immediately upon donning the pants, an odd change
came over Sparks, who suddenly announced that he was celebrating his birthday
by outing himself as a homosexual. Sparks followed up the announcement by
hitting on a gay party guest and initiating a heated gay make-out session.

“It was weird,” said Johaneston, describing the event. “He
came out of his bedroom with the pants on, and they were giving off this
weird pink electric glow. Leroy looked like he was in a trance. Then suddenly
he got this funny look in his eye and totally hit on some guy. He was even
talking gay and everything. It was so gay.”

Added Conway, “The pants were pretty tight on him, too.”

Sparks was questioned about the mysterious occurrence the following day,
by which time he had changed into one of his usual heterosexual pairs of
jeans, and professed no memory of the events in question. “You’re
crazy. I like girls,” he told Conway and Johaneston indignantly.

At this point, Conway and Johaneston exchanged an unsettled look. They hastily
excused themselves and raced back to the strange purple store where it had
all begun, but found only a vacant white storefront and a sign that said
“For Lease.” Cobwebs crisscrossed the doorway, and it was clear
no business had been there for years.

Volume 12- Issue 1

Minor Hells

August 1, 2002

feature, Kevin Deenihan

Everyone knows that Gluttons are torn apart by ‘Cerberus’s bloody
teeth,’ and the Violent boil in a River of Blood while being stabbed
by centaurs. But what is Hell for the Barely Evil? Like people who think
about putting in a new toilet roll and still don’t do it. Or Hitler’s
Grandchildren. Or someone walking towards you while you’re handing out
Squelch_es, and makes eye contact while walking right towards you,
but then blows by without taking his hand out of his pocket even though his
non-verbal communication was shouting ‘YES! I want a _Squelch!
Outstretch your white hand so that I may take one!’

These people go to Minor Hells, such as…

THE HELL WHERE HAIR WILL NOT DRY 


MIKE: Darn, my hair is still wet! I can't put headphones on!

SARAH: What, did you just get out of the shower?


MIKE: I did -- THREE THOUSAND YEARS AGO.&#xA0;





THE HELL WHERE YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ANYONE'S NAME 


MIKE: (on phone) Hi, we met at..um-- this guy's
party-- and I got your phone number-- I'm not sure who you
are-- if you remember me, I'm the red-haired guy with glasses--
my name is-- uh--. crap.




THE HELL WHERE EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND 


MIKE: So then I say to myself, 'Mike'...

LARA: Wait, you're Mike? Stacy's Mike?


MIKE: --Yes.


LARA: Oh, then you're the guy with the-- (giggles)
Wow. It's so weird that I'm actually meeting 'The Mike.'


MIKE: We're in Hell! No it's not!





THE HELL WHERE JESUS IS ALWAYS SECOND-GUESSING YOU 


JESUS: So you know you're going to the ATM, but still don't
bring those checks you have to get cashed. And then once you're at the
bank, you find a check for $45 in your wallet, and decide to cash it even
though it takes 20 minutes and you'll have to come back tomorrow with
another check to cash--.

MIKE: Jesus, stop it!


JESUS: Hey Mike, it's called 'Hell,' not 'Jesus
shuts up Land.'




THE HELL WHERE YOU'RE COVERED IN OILS 



MIKE: (sobbing) I mean, I know she didn't mean it like
that, but still--

JESSICA: (tenderly) You poor guy, I think you need a hug--.
Oh, GOD! You're covered in OIL!


MIKE: Yeah, well, I--


JESSICA: Now my clothes are ruined! Thanks a lot!


MIKE: (sobs)

Volume 12- Issue 1

Awkward Situations

August 1, 2002

David Duman, feature

A Man Trying to Learn His Partner’s Sexual History While in
the Heat of Passion

“Oh yeah, right there. That feels really good. Have you done this before?
What? No, I’m not insinuating anything, I just wanted to know if you
have experience. Why do I want to know? No, no I don’t think you’re
a slut. Sorry, I didn’t mean to phrase it like that. Just keep going.
Oh wow, that feels so good, keep doing that. Is this what you did with your
other boyfriends? Wait, where are you going? I just wanted to know, I don’t
care. I mean, you were always safe, right? What do I mean by always? No,
I don’t think you’re a slut. Wait, don’t leave! Can I at least
have my Altoids back?”

A Guy Telling His Frat Brothers That He’s Gay

“I want to announce something to you, since you are all very important
to me and truly are my brothers. I’ve realized some things over the
last couple years, and I’ve decided that I need to come out to everyone
that I am gay. Um, well…. I can tell by the looks on your faces that
you’re confused. Have I ever what? No, no of course not. Why would you
even think that? You guys are like brothers to me. Did I do what? I can’t
believe you’re asking me this. You don’t really think that about
people like me, do you?”

A Woman Explaining Her Bondage Equipment to Airport Security

“Sure I can open that up for you, no problem. What’s that? No
that’s not a gun, it’s just a pistol-grip. You know, you put a,
ahem, toy on the end so you can handle it easier. What about those? Those
are harmless, they can’t restrain a person who doesn’t want to
be tied down. What? Oh, I didn’t think handcuffs were banned from airplanes.
Do I have any metal objects in my pockets? No, not me. Is what pierced? Oh
that. Yes, yes it is. Yeah, that too. And that. That? No, it’s not.
Wait, nevermind, yes it is. And that. What? I have to check that in my luggage?
Are you sure? Honestly, how would I hijack a plane with a riding crop
anyway?”

A Man Whose Wife Has Caught Him Having Sex with the Family Dog

“Honey, no no, it’s not what it seems. It’s just, well, it’s
just…. See, I was giving her a bath when I slipped and she just started
licking…. And, and…. No no, of course I love you! Wait, don’t look
at me like that! It’s not like I do this all the time! I was just curious.
Why am I wearing a condom? Well….”

A Woman Who Has Just Broken a Tiffany Lampshade at a Fancy New York
Antique Store

“Ah, fuck.”

Volume 12- Issue 1

Dreams Throughout History

August 1, 2002

feature, Tommaso Sciortino

Caveman times

U'tuck and I are out deer hunting but there's no deer and it's
late at night. U'tuck tells me that he has an idea but he can't
tell me until I push this big heavy rock over a hill. I do it, but then he
says that he told me already and I feel embarrassed. Also, I realize I'm
naked but that's OK because I'm always naked anyways. I get very
confused and try to drink a fish.



Roman times



I'm in the temple of Venus trying to get a date for the solstice festival
but it's really crowded. I realize that everything everyone says is
rhyming and no matter what I say people act like what I'm saying rhymes
too. I run into the coliseum and my mom is there battling a tiny dog. Someone
explains that she has to do this because she didn't rhyme her words
and then I spend the rest of the dream avoiding conversation and just trying
to use gestures a lot.



Middle ages




I'm at the blacksmith shop and everything's normal except it's
not really the blacksmith's shop, it's the chapel. Father Simone
is there and he's the blacksmith but he's eating fruit. I'm
trying to get my knife sharpened but Father Simone keeps on talking about
how much he loves mutton tips. I try to find my knife in the back room and
though I expect Father Simone to try to stop me, he just stares out the window
licking his lips and muttering "Barcelona."




Industrial revolution



My shift is over and I'm trying to find my way back home. Somehow I
understand that it's Christmas even though it's not snowing and
so I go to the company store to purchase fancy apples. The general store
is on fire but the clerk insists that it's normal and that the apples
are OK because they're going to be baked anyways. I buy the apples but
on the way home I realize I'm on fire too. My wife tries to put me out
but we can't and we decide to just not celebrate Christmas. We sit down
and play hopscotch but I get two tries since I only have one arm.



Modern Day



I'm in a breakfast store so mostly, they just sell cereal. The store
is run by my mom's Chicano friends and they offer me pizza. I'm
looking through all the cereals and I find one called "Pips and Dops".
I inquire as to what's in it and the clerk says that it's made
from the food that two separate varieties of ants bring back to their nest.
I ask him what the ants eat since their food is in the cereal. He says he
doesn't know so I thank Ernesto and leave the store.



Future



I'm taking a hover over to my brother's girlfriend's house
to drop off some new cleaning nanos. I get there and discover that the nanos
have escaped from their canister. This really old guy who reminds me of my
friend's boss is there and he tells me that I should have paid more
attention and that the bots have gone down a recyc-pit. I get really really
afraid because apparently these nanos were very expensive and my brother
meant them to be a present. I decide to spend all my credits on a transport
but I take the wrong one and end up in a marching band. I find I have a flute
that I haven't played since I was a kid and so I try to fake my way
through a Chopin nocturne arranged by John Philip Sousa.

Volume 12- Issue 1

Inside a REVIEW Editorial Meeting

August 1, 2002

feature, Kevin Deenihan

SARAH: Okay, everybody, Erin is back from Wine and Cheese Palace so we can
start the meeting. Ryan, please read the minutes from the last meeting.

RYAN: Okay, discussion of old business, 5 minutes spent assigning articles.
Break to discuss Indie Rock in approving terms, although fearing for its
musical soul in the face of increasing commercialism. Remaining three hours
spent putting little injokes into the headline.

SARAH: Thank you, Ryan. New business: assigning articles. I understand Susan
here wants to write about her first Lesbian experience with an Indian woman,
so she’ll be reviewing The Country Bears.

SUSAN: Is it okay if I write it entirely in first-person Confessional style?

SARAH: Sure. How was the sex?

SUSAN: Poor.

SARAH: Then we’ll go with ‘Bears fails to satisfy’ as the
headline. Mike, can you handle Music Reviews this week?

MIKE: Fuck popular music! Fuck popular music! Fuck popular music!

SARAH: Perfect. Also, here’s the Obscure Words Bingo list this month.
Fit five in a row into a sentence, and you win a badly copied bootleg tape
of Thom Yorke humming ‘Like a Virgin’ ironically. Scott wins last
month’s prize of a Transformers robot with Bjork’s head for fitting
‘Prurient, Lachrymose, Proletariat,’ and ‘jejune’ in.

SCOTT: Thanks Sarah, but I gotta go. I’m interviewing an old but bright-eyed
artist making an obscure comeback after several small mid-70’s successes.

RYAN: (mutters) Lucky.

SCOTT: (teasing) Besides, Erin brought a ’97 LaTour when everyone knows
that the only ’97 Merlots worth drinking came from Australia.

SARAH: And those were Shirazs! (general laughter)

ERIN: (defensively, angrily) Well, at least I’m not wearing Calvin Klein
multi-weave white socks! You– POSEUR!

(shocked silence)

SARAH: (softly) Lets not say things we can’t take back.

ERIN: (sobbing) I’m sorry.. I’ve just been under so much stress–
my new boyfriend keeps taking me to these wide-release movies and asking
me if I like them. I tell him they’re great, but inside I’m just
crying. I’m just crying.

SARAH: (hugs) I think we need to take a break. Good meeting, everybody.

SCOTT: Hey, we all wore Atari t-shirts again. That’s so weird.

Volume 11- Issue 6