U.S. Withdraws Support for Israeli Baby-Killing

Critics of U.S. foreign aid to Israel had reason to cheer this week as the U.S. withdrew financial support from a state-run factory in Tel Aviv. American diplomats were taking a tour of the facility when they discovered that the only function of the multi-billion dollar operation was to kill large numbers of human babies with incredible effciency.

“The babies, still crying, and often with soiled diapers, are delivered via dump truck and poured into an entry chute on the loading docks,” explained U.S. Ambassador Daniel Kurtzer. “Then the babies are routed down one of three high-speed conveyor belts, where they are either diced to pieces by razor-sharp blades, burnt to a crisp, or simply dispatched with a single .45-caliber bullet to the face, fired at point-blank range.”

Israel’s Prime Minister Ariel Sharon defended the baby-killing plant, pointing out the skyrocketing productivity levels during the past two years, when U.S. funding has been at an all-time high. He also cited the popularity of the factory with visiting tour groups who can view the factory operations from a glass-walled catwalk high above the factory floor.

Lacking U.S. government funds, the baby-killing plant will subsist exclusively on funding from the UC Regents, funneled directly from student fees.

U.S. officials nonetheless stood firm in their decision to withdraw support. “The U.S. can not and will not be a party to such senseless atrocity,” President Bush declared emphatically in a public statement. “A baby-killing factory? Why? How does that even make money?”