Words from the Top

All Hail Team Male

Waking up in the morning to the sturm und drang of my own testicular power, I’m invigorated by a sense of belonging, the joy of being a part of a group. But not an ordinary group of friends with insignficant relationships, my group is far superior. I am a proud member of Team Male, only the greatest group to ever grace this planet. As such, I enjoy a deep kinship and alliance with my fellow males the world over, regardless of species. Score!!!

We males sure have been kicking butt for a long, long time. I’m still dumbfounded as to why females even bother competing with us. Even with my superior powers of male cognition, I couldn’t even imagine an alternate world where it would be desirable to be a female. Well, if I try hard, I could generate a few, but only because I’m male and so great. Perhaps if we lived in a world where all pie-eating competitions were replaced with baby-birthing competitions, or where gun shows were turned into knitting conventions then being female would be advantageous. A toast to the masters of the universe!

It’s so pathetic it’s almost cute, watching girls running around doing their little girl things, trying to be as awesome as guys. Pfft, yeah whatever. Don’t quit your day job.

Girls can’t even cut it as insects, one of the easiest organisms to be. For example, only male fireflies glow. That’s so cool. Glowing is so much better than not glowing. I’m not even sure why the females are called fireflies. They should be called plainflies or dark-boringflies. Maybe they get to be called fireflies because they do give birth to actual fireflies. That’s something.

In case you’re just joining us, here’s the score so far: Males: 9,999,948,494; Females: 4. Go Team Male!

Ahh, to be male! I can hear God whispering on the wind. Shh! Do you hear that? It’s saying, “…XY…XY…XY!” Or should I say, He’s saying, since even God is a card-carrying, uniform-sporting, star player on Team Male. Sure glad to have him on our team. That’s an MVP-caliber ace in the hole, right there. To wake up and be female would be an utter nightmare.

At first glance, one might consider queen ants superior to male ants. But in reality, life as a queen ant is nothing worth dreaming about. Being the queen ant is equivalent to being a glorified housewife, staying at home, eating, and giving birth. The male ants, who truly live life, make the most of their stay within the barren walls of the ant hill by spending the day porking the queen. You may say that the queen also benefits from this arrangement, but I am ignoring that. Hot diggity-DAMN!

The statistics speak for themselves. Out of 8,000 abortions in one Bombay hospital, 7,999 were performed on female fetuses. I wonder if the one male was just aborted by accident because they mistakenly thought it was a female. Clearly, some people understand my message. Go Team MALE!