Awkward Situations

A Man Trying to Learn His Partner’s Sexual History While in
the Heat of Passion

“Oh yeah, right there. That feels really good. Have you done this before?
What? No, I’m not insinuating anything, I just wanted to know if you
have experience. Why do I want to know? No, no I don’t think you’re
a slut. Sorry, I didn’t mean to phrase it like that. Just keep going.
Oh wow, that feels so good, keep doing that. Is this what you did with your
other boyfriends? Wait, where are you going? I just wanted to know, I don’t
care. I mean, you were always safe, right? What do I mean by always? No,
I don’t think you’re a slut. Wait, don’t leave! Can I at least
have my Altoids back?”

A Guy Telling His Frat Brothers That He’s Gay

“I want to announce something to you, since you are all very important
to me and truly are my brothers. I’ve realized some things over the
last couple years, and I’ve decided that I need to come out to everyone
that I am gay. Um, well…. I can tell by the looks on your faces that
you’re confused. Have I ever what? No, no of course not. Why would you
even think that? You guys are like brothers to me. Did I do what? I can’t
believe you’re asking me this. You don’t really think that about
people like me, do you?”

A Woman Explaining Her Bondage Equipment to Airport Security

“Sure I can open that up for you, no problem. What’s that? No
that’s not a gun, it’s just a pistol-grip. You know, you put a,
ahem, toy on the end so you can handle it easier. What about those? Those
are harmless, they can’t restrain a person who doesn’t want to
be tied down. What? Oh, I didn’t think handcuffs were banned from airplanes.
Do I have any metal objects in my pockets? No, not me. Is what pierced? Oh
that. Yes, yes it is. Yeah, that too. And that. That? No, it’s not.
Wait, nevermind, yes it is. And that. What? I have to check that in my luggage?
Are you sure? Honestly, how would I hijack a plane with a riding crop

A Man Whose Wife Has Caught Him Having Sex with the Family Dog

“Honey, no no, it’s not what it seems. It’s just, well, it’s
just…. See, I was giving her a bath when I slipped and she just started
licking…. And, and…. No no, of course I love you! Wait, don’t look
at me like that! It’s not like I do this all the time! I was just curious.
Why am I wearing a condom? Well….”

A Woman Who Has Just Broken a Tiffany Lampshade at a Fancy New York
Antique Store

“Ah, fuck.”