In an unprecedented move, the Pulitzer committee awarded UC Berkeley student Brooke S. Eliot the Pulitzer Prize for Bitchiness last week. While this award typically goes to the most obnoxious literary critic in the world, the committee decided to grant the award to Eliot.
U.S. Poet Laureate and committee chair Robert Pinsky explained, “Her nominations from her fellow students were so compelling that we just had to check her out. After just a few minutes in her creative writing class, we knew Brooke was something special. I had never before seen such a fine blend of cynicism, asperity, and sarcasm in an asshole so young. Does this chick got a shitload of baggage or what?”
When Eliot finally finished rolling her eyes after being asked to comment, she said, “Yeah, I’m really happy to get this award. Well, actually, I’m just pissed off. The quote on my plaque is a rhymed couplet in iambic pentameter. I mean, that is so two centuries ago. Whoever wrote it obviously went to Bad Poetry Academy.” When informed that it was a couplet by William Shakespeare, Eliot only flipped her hair and looked at the ceiling all stuck-up-like. She then added, “Ohmigod, ‘stuck-up-like’ isn’t even a word. You are so retarded.”