Top Ten Reasons It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To

  1. You would cry too if it happened to you.
  2. I am a total fucking pussy, that’s why.
  3. Pin the Tail on the Donkey can be a more traumatic experience than most children let on.
  4. In hindsight, freshly cut onions were a poor choice as a garnish for my pina colada.
  5. Because this is a fraternity, and I am a younger member. Therefore, I must consume this here keg, weed, and squid before sunrise.
  6. Because I own coasters, yet people are unaware of the fact that wet drinks should rest on coasters and not finely finished oak.
  7. Because I didn’t organize a party, yet people are in my apartment at 2:00 am with many bottles of alcohol.
  8. Because my party was arranged for me to fuck you, but you will not fuck me.
  9. Because I represent truly democratic policies that will protect every American citizen, not only large corporations. I fixed seatbelts, but still no one will vote for me.
  10. Because no one is at my party; it’s just me, a remote control, and a bowl of cereal.