UC Police Crack Down

May 1, 2002

During a recent press conference, UC Police Chief Victoria Harrison commented on a new policy the department plans on implementing next month. UC police officers predict that the controversial new plan will give them the “upper hand” against “bicyclist renegades.” Harrison explained that police plan on installing remote-controlled spike strips in and around the Sproul dismount zone.

Harrison explains that she has been receiving multiple complaints from field officers on how chasing down the bicyclists who ignore the dismount signs around Sproul is very “tiring” and “asthma inducing.” In addition she added “This rash of not-particularly-high-speed bicycle pursuits through the Berkeley campus is dangerous for everyone. With the aid of spike strips, officers can enforce the dismount law from the comfort of their folding stools.”

As a back-up plan for officers, if a chase does occur, the UC police bicycles will be equipped with chrome-plated ramming spikes and telescoping tasers. With these new technologies, the police chief estimated that the bicycle death toll resulting from dismount zone violations would be lowered from zero “to some number less than zero. Waaaaaaaaaayyy less.” Harrison further added that for remaining users of Razor-style folding scooters, officers will be granted the right to use deadly force.

Volume 11- Issue 6

Jessica Stein Causes Collective Pants-Creaming

May 1, 2002

Matt Holohan, newsflash

America’s homosexual community is still in the process of collectively creaming its pants following the release of the film Kissing Jessica Stein which chronicles the painfully obvious story of a successful young woman who, fed up with men, learns the true meaning of love, lust, and friendship after meeting a quirky, free-spirited lesbian.

“It’s extremely encouraging to finally see homosexual themes being portrayed positively in the mainstream media,” said reviewers from Curve, On Our Backs, Out, The Advocate, Bust, and Anything That Moves. “Not since But I’m a Cheerleader has there been a movie exactly like this one.”

Jessica Stein has also struck a chord among heterosexual viewers. Said college student Chad Seamans of the flim, “I like the part when the two girls make out.”

Volume 11- Issue 6

U.S. Withdraws Support for Israeli Baby-Killing

May 1, 2002

Kenny Byerly, newsflash

Critics of U.S. foreign aid to Israel had reason to cheer this week as the U.S. withdrew financial support from a state-run factory in Tel Aviv. American diplomats were taking a tour of the facility when they discovered that the only function of the multi-billion dollar operation was to kill large numbers of human babies with incredible effciency.

“The babies, still crying, and often with soiled diapers, are delivered via dump truck and poured into an entry chute on the loading docks,” explained U.S. Ambassador Daniel Kurtzer. “Then the babies are routed down one of three high-speed conveyor belts, where they are either diced to pieces by razor-sharp blades, burnt to a crisp, or simply dispatched with a single .45-caliber bullet to the face, fired at point-blank range.”

Israel’s Prime Minister Ariel Sharon defended the baby-killing plant, pointing out the skyrocketing productivity levels during the past two years, when U.S. funding has been at an all-time high. He also cited the popularity of the factory with visiting tour groups who can view the factory operations from a glass-walled catwalk high above the factory floor.

Lacking U.S. government funds, the baby-killing plant will subsist exclusively on funding from the UC Regents, funneled directly from student fees.

U.S. officials nonetheless stood firm in their decision to withdraw support. “The U.S. can not and will not be a party to such senseless atrocity,” President Bush declared emphatically in a public statement. “A baby-killing factory? Why? How does that even make money?”

Volume 11- Issue 6

UC Berkeley: Back in Time

May 1, 2002

David J. Duman, feature

Sometimes on the UC Berkeley campus it is tough to go ten feet without a Palestinian or Israeli trying to get your attention, crawl down your ear, and eat the tasty nutmeats within. With all the activism on campus, you’d think that this was an activist campus, and if you thought that, you’d be right! Activism has a rich and varied history on this campus, with political dialogue always being on the tips of everyone’s tongues. Free speech this, divest from South Africa that, free political prisoner X, support the crazy hot chick chained to Sather Gate: whatever cause has come about, UC Berkeley students have cautiously and objectively viewed the situation, analyzed the moral implications, and then pragmatically selected the side of the greater good. What is often forgotten is that this activist history goes back further then anyone can even remember. I invite you to take a step back in time to the University of California, circa 1902…

[Two young men sit on a bench reading newspapers.]

Phineas: Say Silas, the new straw boaters are in! I do think we ought to visit the haberdasher and start selecting our new spring wardrobe.

Silas: Phineas, how can you think about clothes at a time like this? What about the terrible atrocities the Jews are performing? This very day thousands of Jews refused to eat pork. This cannot be good for our economy!

Phineas: Perhaps it would be best if we round up all the Jews and sent them to some patch of desert somewhere far away. That should end all the problems.

Silas: Indeed.

Phineas: Oh Silas, did you know that the university owns sheep that graze on the lands of the Ottoman Empire?

Silas: The very same Ottoman Empire that united with the French against the Hapsburg rule in Austria and Spain? The very same Ottoman Empire that released the Barbarosa to become the scourge of the Mediterranean Sea?!

Phineas: The very same.

Silas: Well, we must call for divestment from the Ottoman Empire! Divestment, I say!

Phineas: But why?

Silas: We cannot support a regime that forms an alliance with the hated French! It will be many a year before we fight on the same side as those degenerate jack-ninnies.

Phineas: Agreed. It is fortunate that we have such a good friendship with the Germans, they will surely join with us should the French ever invade our shores to violate our women and make our American blood impure.

Silas: A most terrifying prospect, Phineas.

Phineas: But enough of such heavy topics, have you heard the latest ragtime pianist down at John Blake’s brewery? I tell you, he plays marvelously for a Negro.

Silas: Phineas! Don’t say that. Haven’t you kept up with the times? Those folks no longer appreciate that term and the rich cultural history associated with it. Today, they prefer to be called “those amusing colored folk.”

Phineas: Thank you Silas, I would have been ever-so-embarrassed to have made that faux-pas at the President’s luncheon this afternoon. That shall be a marvelous luncheon, President Wheeler serves such great wine.

Silas: I do love wine. I know they’ll never ever make that illegal. Speaking of which, perhaps we should be moving along so as to get ready for this important dinner with President Wheeler.

Phineas: Indeed. But before, shall we play a little squash followed by some utterly platonic sodomy?

Silas: Splendid.

Thus we see that Berkeley students have always been very well-informed about the issues, and have also always been equally clear and intelligent in making their social and political decisions. Never have their emotions led them to join a cause without first stopping to think about what the cause is that they’re supporting. Not much has changed in 100 years; Cal’s student body is as well-informed, thoughtful, and activist as ever. So get out there, grab some poster board, and paint up your face. One, two, three, four, we don’t want your racist war!

Volume 11- Issue 6

Lottery Winning on Tuesday

Everyone’s a Winner

May 1, 2002

feature, Kenny Byerly

Well, the weather is picking up lately. It’s hot outside and hotter still inside. The sweet spring air makes me want to grab someone special, head for the local 7-Eleven and win the lottery all day long. Of course, after a long, cold winter with nothing to better to do but keep warm with comforters filled with cash, some of you frisky lottery winners might be getting pretty bored with winning the lottery all the time. Certainly, watching little numbered balls drop into place to award you millions of dollars can get a little dull after awhile. But if you’re not afraid to experiment, you can put some life back into winning life-changing mounds of riches.

One especially effective thing to try is to experiment with multiple lottery partners. An office lottery pool can lead to shared thrills and some seriously wild fun. The best part? Everybody wins! Some of you may be uncomfortable sharing your winnnings with such a large group, and that’s fine too. You can start small by alternating your single lottery buddy once in awhile to keep things from getting stale. After all, after a few months, winning the lottery with anyone would lose its luster, regardless of how shiny the gold you’re winning is. If you don’t like the idea of going behind your lottery buddy’s back, try talking to them about bringing in a third person on your lottery ticket. You never know–both of you may find yourself winning with numbers you never expected to be lucky.

Also, think about changing your lottery winning routine with different lottery aids. What if you used a Sacagawea golden dollar, or even a big old-style half dollar to scratch off that silver coating, instead of the same old pennies and dimes you usually use? I get the urge to start scratching just thinking about it. Or see how exciting winning is when you pick numbers based on half birthdays instead of birthdays! Try experimenting with toys, by which I mean you should use your lottery winnings to buy cool, expensive toys like LEGO playsets or stuff from F.A.O. Schwartz. Even Playmobil sets wouldn’t be out of the question–come on, you can afford it!

Even a simple thing like asking your lottery buddy to try new techniques, or telling them what you like, can make a huge difference. “I always like to win the lottery using odd numbers for the first three choices,” said one girl. “But I never mentioned it because I thought my buddy would be offended. Turns out, he likes odd numbers too. The first time we tried it, I won the biggest pot I’d ever had.” Another great idea to try: while winning the lottery, gently slip a finger into their anus and stimulate the prostate. At first they may find this unexpected, but it’s sure to double the pleasure of the lottery-winning experience. Just remember, use plenty of lube.

Then of course, there are times you feel like winning the lottery and there’s no one around. Just because you’ve hit a state jackpot or two completely on your own, it’s no reason to be secretive or feel bad about your habit. The fact is, most guys win the lottery by themselves several times a week, if not every day. “If a guy tells you he’s never won the lottery by himself, he’s definitely lying,” says one male I talked to.

The important thing is to have fun. So get out there and keep winning!

Rachael wants to hear how big the yacht you bought with your $25,000,000 lump sum is. Tell her at lottery@dailycal.org.

Volume 11- Issue 6

Top Ten Reasons It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To

May 1, 2002

top ten

You would cry too if it happened to you.
I am a total fucking pussy, that’s why.
Pin the Tail on the Donkey can be a more traumatic experience than most children let on.
In hindsight, freshly cut onions were a poor choice as a garnish for my pina colada.
Because this is a fraternity, and I am a younger member. Therefore, I must consume this here keg, weed, and squid before sunrise.
Because I own coasters, yet people are unaware of the fact that wet drinks should rest on coasters and not finely finished oak.
Because I didn’t organize a party, yet people are in my apartment at 2:00 am with many bottles of alcohol.
Because my party was arranged for me to fuck you, but you will not fuck me.
Because I represent truly democratic policies that will protect every American citizen, not only large corporations. I fixed seatbelts, but still no one will vote for me.
Because no one is at my party; it’s just me, a remote control, and a bowl of cereal.

Volume 11- Issue 6

Top Ten Comebacks

May 1, 2002

top ten

“Don’t make me get out of this wheelchair.”
“I may be drunk, but you’re ugly, and in the morning I’ll be dead of alcohol poisoning.”
“Aw gee, you’re right.” [jumps off ledge (of Evans)]
“Well of course it’s small compared to your penis.”
“You’re thinking of my sister.”
“But I’m the second sharpest quill in the porcupine.”
“You’re rubber, I’m glue, no, wait, fuck.”
“No, blow me.”
“Fuck on.”
“Actually I’m only dating your mom.”