UC Police Crack Down

During a recent press conference, UC Police Chief Victoria Harrison commented on a new policy the department plans on implementing next month. UC police officers predict that the controversial new plan will give them the “upper hand” against “bicyclist renegades.” Harrison explained that police plan on installing remote-controlled spike strips in and around the Sproul dismount zone.

Harrison explains that she has been receiving multiple complaints from field officers on how chasing down the bicyclists who ignore the dismount signs around Sproul is very “tiring” and “asthma inducing.” In addition she added “This rash of not-particularly-high-speed bicycle pursuits through the Berkeley campus is dangerous for everyone. With the aid of spike strips, officers can enforce the dismount law from the comfort of their folding stools.”

As a back-up plan for officers, if a chase does occur, the UC police bicycles will be equipped with chrome-plated ramming spikes and telescoping tasers. With these new technologies, the police chief estimated that the bicycle death toll resulting from dismount zone violations would be lowered from zero “to some number less than zero. Waaaaaaaaaayyy less.” Harrison further added that for remaining users of Razor-style folding scooters, officers will be granted the right to use deadly force.