“Secret” Cuts Costs

Posting massive losses for the current financial quarter, Procter & Gamble has laid out cost-cutting plans for the coming year, including a retooled Secret Anti-Perspirant line promising no more than “the exact amount of strength a woman needs.”

P&G rep Tom DiSpidenza, with aid of a Secret promotional video, explained, “You see, Secret’s much-vaunted strength comes from its potent array of Sniff-Blockers, represented here by these pleasant but nonthreatening blue waves.” Here DiSpidenza turned off the video and removed his glasses. “But we’ve been showing off for years. Secret is so strong, not only will it keep you dry, but should you pause for a nap this afternoon and wake up with testicles, you won’t even have to re-apply your anti-perspirant. Still you will not perspire. That’s how unecessarily strong it is.”

DiSpidenza noted that, besides being costly, indiscriminately large doses of Sniff-Blockers could ultimately lead to glandular damage.

“A nation of delicate whores, trollops, and Hot Dog on a Stick counter-girls could be poisoning themselves just a little each day. Such is the folly of Man.”

When asked about those American women who were not delicate whores, trollops, or Hot Dog on a Stick counter-girls, DiSpidenza blinked twice and said nothing.