I couldn’t believe it when my friend Josh told me that a greedy developer
had bought his parents’ shopping center and was about to tear it down
to build lavish new low-income housing. We needed to raise a bunch of money,
but fast. And we’re not talking chump change, like that time I robbed
Fort Knox last week. Luckily, Josh’s uncle had an “in” with
the state lottery in Minnesota, where the jackpot had ballooned to over
seventy-eight thousand dollars. Still, even that wouldn’t do us much
good unless we could buy a Minnesota lottery ticket before they selected
the numbers at the end of the week. It was time to hit the road.
Saturday We're taking my brand new sports car, because Josh doesn't have a car, just a lot of useless frequent flyer miles. So far we're making good time. But gas mileage is poor. I don't really understand. I expected better from a car made entirely of solid gold.   Sunday Turns out we weren't making such good time after all. We've actually been stuck in a ditch for the last twelve hours just spinning our wheels. I blame the solid gold tires, because traction is poor. Josh says the problem is that we can't see anything because the windshield is made of gold and is thus totally opaque. I hate him sometimes.   Monday We ran off the road again and hit a fence because smarty-pants Josh likes to talk too much and distract me while I'm driving. Fortunately the air bags deployed and knocked out some teeth and gave me a concussion (because they're made of gold). Other than that we're fine. On a side note, this car dents too easily.   Tuesday Today Josh asked me why my car is made of gold. I suppose he has a better way of hiding stolen gold bars than by melting them down and molding them into a fully functional automobile? Unlikely. Also, we tried to play a CD but we weren't getting any sound from the speakers. You get the idea.   Wednesday The guy at the motel wouldn't give us a room, no matter how many times Josh flashed him. For some reason that just made him call the police. The next motel wasn't any better. I wish we had some money. We ended up sleeping in the car, which was uncomfortable because the seats are really hard.   Thursday I can't believe it. I let Josh drive for just two minutes, just so I can take a rest, and he totals my car. No way it's going anywhere now, and we're still in Nebraska. We needed a new ride, so we spent the afternoon burglarizing houses for good silverware until I had enough to melt down and make another car. This time I made a station wagon so we could have some extra storage space. We've been buying lots of souvenirs.   Friday Made it! Just in the nick of time, too. We got the last ticket in the first 7-Eleven across the Minnesota border, just minutes before they picked the numbers. Josh lost.   Afterwards The station wagon broke down, so we sold it for the price of two bus tickets home. Then the mechanic in Nebraska called and said he couldn't fix the sports car, so I just told him to keep it. Josh called me today to tell me his family lost the shopping center, but I couldn't hear him very well because my phone is made of rubies.