In a small office on the 42nd floor of the Chrysler Building,
a paper clip standing 3 feet 7 inches walks in. He has two round googly eyes
and floating eyebrows. He’s walking on a piece of magical floating paper.
I’m not even sure if we can call it walking. He’s a paper clip
and has no legs. A bald man with glasses, a bead of sweat on the side of
his head, wearing a gentleman’s shirt, tie, and suspenders meticulously
shuffles through papers while sitting at his desk.
Stanley: Are you Clippit?
Clippit: Yes. May I be of service?
Stanley: It says here you’ve come about the job. [light bulb
appears over Clippit’s head] You want to be a tax accountant?
Clippit: [light bulb bursts] I’d like to be of assistance.
Stanley: I like your attitude, kid. Have a seat? [Clippit flies
across room, bounces off the wall, spins, does a somersault, hovers above
the chair, probes the chair with the end of his wire frame, and gently settles
into the seat] Marvelous! You’ve got spunk my friend.
Clippit: What would you like to do?
Stanley: Well, what we do here at Jacob & Johnson Tax Services
is other people’s taxes.
Clippit: I could show you how to perform calculations on a table …
Or reference cells in a table … Or delete tables or cells…
Stanley: Terrific! That’s exactly what we want.
Clippit: Would you like me to show you how?
Stanley: Well, why not? [Clippit flies outside the building, demolishes
the wall to the office with a heavy duty jackhammer sending it crashing to
the ground below killing 3 bystanders, carries a an enormous heavy steel
plate and squeezes the remainder of the office to 3/5 its original size]
Clippit: [in the isolated 2/5 of the office] Making tables
is easy, here’s how…
Stanley: [outraged] Wha, wha, wha, what are you doing?!
Clippit: I’m going to show you how easy it is to make a table
using Microsoft Excel.
Stanley: You’ve completely ruined my office! Look at this mess!
There’s plaster and steel everywhere. I can’t work in here! What
sort of Satanic devil machine are you?!
Clippit: To make a table. Go to the Table and Borders toolbar, click
Draw Table [the pointer changes to a pencil.] To define the outer…
Stanley: Stop!!! Stop what you’re doing! [Clippit hovers up
a few feet. Acts like he’s about to go to sleep on his big floating
piece of paper] You need to leave this minute or I’ll have you removed.
[Clippit smiles, doesn’t understand a word coming out of Stanley’s
mouth. Stanley, irate, lunges to throw him out. Clippit slides over. The
process continues until Clippit is finally in the upper corner of the shrunken
office. Stanley lies on the floor in disgust after his failed attempts.]
Clippit: What would you like to do?
Stanley: Please leave! You’ve done enough damage.
Clippit: Here’s today’s tip. To automate a task, go to…
Stanley: [visibly shaken, glasses askew on head] Shut up! You
worthless, nonfunctional piece of monkey trash. Damn you! I hate you and
everything you stand for. If I ever see a paper clip with fucking beady eyes
like yours, I’ll snap it in two!
Clippit: Would you like to choose a new assistant?
Stanley: Yes!!!!!! [enter talking dolphin, genius that looks eerily
like Albert Einstein, a bouncing red dot with Clippit’s eyes, and a
cartoon cat] Go Awaaaay!!!!!
Clippit: What would you like to do? [Stanley reaches out with right
hand. His right hand hits a small panel on Clippit. The panel pops up; it
reads “hide assistant.” Stanley flips the switch. All the assistants
dart out of the office. An overjoyed Stanley cries himself to sleep. The
office remains in a catastrophic state.]