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Squelch M.D.
Volume 12- Issue 4

Top Ten Reasons to Get Naked

January 1, 2003
  1. You’re a terrier and dogs look stupid wearing clothes.
  2. Because that shit is hot.
  3. It’s a parade, and you’re showing off your new set of clothes to all yoursubjects.
  4. How else is anyone going to see your cock ring?
  5. Do you want to get into the Haas School of Business or not, youfucking crybaby?
  6. About to take a shower.
  7. To the reduce anxiety of the orator.
  8. It’s the final exam, you haven’t been to class all semester and you’redreaming.
  9. Because I paid for dinner.
  10. Because you’re all out of naked.
Volume 12- Issue 4

Words From the Top

Difficult Boiled

January 1, 2003
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Unlike others who assume the position of Editor-In-Chief of the Heuristic Squelch just for the bragging rights, or for the throngs of cute fans, or even for the opportunity to undermine the revolution, I have a larger goal in mind: Total Media Presence. My goal is to be mentioned in every possible Berkeley publication. I have been featuered in the Squelch, The Satellite, KALX, The Scoop, and even the The Daily Californian. There’s only one publication that stands in the way of my TMP: Hard Boiled.

Being a person who doesn’t affect Asian Pacific American issues in any way, I am at a disadvantage to, oh let’s say, any Asian person on this campus who has ever watched All American Girl. In trying to get referenced in HB, I recognized this barrier early on and made several plans to get my face in said magazine.

The first plan involved dating an Asian chick. This plan works on the assumption that being pertinent to Asian issues is kind of like an STD. I gave up on this idea when I realized that the only Asian girl who could ever have my heart is Hellen Jo, super-good comic strip writer for the HB. Hellen, from the first time I read your Komisches Buch, I knew you were the Asian girl for me. When you get over that tall lanky hapa-looking fellow you always feature in your book, give me a call. If my girlfriend answers, hang up.

I went over some other plans: protesting HB, joining the staff, writing a thoughtful but sarcastic book on the paradoxes of being Asian and American in the 21st century, but in the end I chose the simplest path: I’m turning Japanese.

Much like a flabby Sean Connery in the Bond flick You Only Live Twice I will undergo a series of procedures to become a 6’1″ member of the Asian-American community. I know, some of you are thinking, “Being Asian is a lot more than just looks.” On that point we agree my friends: it’s also about knowing karate. That’s why I’ve started karate lessons with famed Asian actor David Carradine, from TV’s Kung Fu.

But that’s not all. I’ve started taking classes to learn Japanese. Well, actually that’s not entirely true: I’ve started classes to learn a Japanese accent which really is just as useful. I’ve gotten that one hair cut and have started reparsing my Italian mother’s urgings to “mangia, mangia” as “study, study”. Also, I’ve preemptively started complaining about white guys taking all my chicks. It’s just too easy. At this rate I hope to be Korean by April, and progress to Japanese by May.

Of course, if that doesn’t work I suppose I could just write an inflammatory article in the Squelch.

Volume 12- Issue 4

Santana to Collaborate on Next Album

January 1, 2003
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Guitar legend Carlos Santana announced at a press conference yesterday that he will collaborate on his next studio album with several potentially notable pop vocalists and musicians.

His as-of-yet untitled album will follow the platinum-selling and critically-panned 1999 release “Supernatural” and the similarly received 2002 release “Shaman.”

Originally becoming famous for extended jam songs based strongly in authentic Latin rhythms like “Oye Como Va” and “Black Magic Woman,” Santana has moved in a new direction in recent years by supplying obligatory guitar riffs to overproduced recordings featuring flash-in-the-pan vocalists like Everlast and Michelle Branch. As of the press conference, no guest artists had been set for the new album pending, as phrased by publicist Terri Jackson, “changes in the pop-culture dynamic that could take place over the next year.”

“I look forward very much to working with these artists whose names are still to be determined. Their work in the future I’m sure I will very much enjoy,” Santana stated to reporters. “I can’t wait to work creatively with diverse minds who will no doubt be on the cutting edge of their respective genres.”

Santana’s album is expected to win an unprecedented 37 Grammys.

Volume 12- Issue 4

Jews Denounce Hitlur

January 1, 2003
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For this year’s Holocaust Remembrance Day, Jewish groups have announced that they will show their Jewish spirit by amending the traditional spelling of “Hitler” to include a “u,” as in “Hitlur.”

“That’s pretty much how most people pronounce it anyway,” said Jewish spokesman Leonard Goldman. “I’m not sure if the evil of Hitlur really came across before, but when we spell it wrong, you can totally see how stupid Hitlur and the Not-zis were.” Added Goldman, “Make sure you spell it N-O-T-zis. That’ll really make them feel dumb.”

The idea of spelling amendments has caught on in a big way, with some U.S. leaders calling for similar changes to the names of America’s national enemies, including North Kurea, Al Queduh, and Osama Bin Ladun. White House Spokesman Ari Fleischer stated that the President is particularly enamored with the just renamed “Saddum Hoosain.”

“If our missiles don’t get him, that name sure will,” said Fleischer.

Volume 12- Issue 3

Volume 12, Issue 3: Danger In The Manger

November 1, 2002
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Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 12- Issue 3

Morissette Single Reaches New Levels of Meta-Irony

November 1, 2002
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The Alanis Morissette song “Ironic” finally achieved the twenty third level of recursive meta-irony this week when local grad student Josh Greenberg purchased the song after a discussion with his thesis advisor. While Greenberg’s decision to purchase the single in spite of his hatred for it only achieved the 22nd level of irony–a level first reached by a Wisconsin machinist in June 2000–the fact that he did so even while understanding that his purchase was ironic reached a new level of irony. “It’s ironic that his quest for irony led him to purchase the single,” Kimberly Diaz, a noted expert on irony, explains, “because that song is still a pretty crappy song.”

Though the 23rd meta extension of irony was undertaken in a bid for a doctoral thesis topic in the field of Cognitive Science, Greenberg was disappointed when his efforts were found to be fruitless. “I thought it would be a good topic, joining the ideas of Chomsky and Searle in a purely post-modern constructivist framework. What I got was a bubble-gum-pop jingle about life’s little disappointments,” Greenberg said. “It’s kind of funny how I expended all this effort on buying this song and all it did was impede my thesis topic search,” Greenberg sighed and then added, “I’m never going to find a thesis topic in the area of irony, which is what I research.”

The 25th and final new level of irony was reached when a writer thought that Greenberg’s story would be comical and interesting to readers at large.

Volume 12- Issue 3

Killing The Neighbor’s Dog In Five Easy Drafts

November 1, 2002
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For the second time in a week, my lawn has dog poop on it. I will remedy this, the only way I know how.

One

I have heard that chocolate is like poison to dogs. I do have a lot of chocolate lying around. However, it seems like a waste of perfectly good chocolate, when I have so much actual poison lying around. I could slip the real poison into the dog’s food, and the chocolate into this pan of fudge bars I’m making. I realize my error, however, when I remember that the fudge bars are for trick-or-treating kids and that, as a misanthrope, I require both the chocolate and the poison for the fudge. This, of course, begs the question, “How do I get a dog to go trick-or-treating?”

Two

For starters, I need a costume. This would require more stitching and weaving than I am prepared to muster, except that Old Navy actually sells costumes for dogs. Wizard, pirate, ninja, or cat? The last fucking thing the dog needs is magic (regular magic, ninja magic, or cat magic) to help it poop my lawn to smithereens, but I think an eyepatch might fuck it up, or at least keep it from seeing what I’m up to. It might be hard to convince the dog’s owner to take it trick-or-treating, though, especially since it’s a seeing eye dog and the owner is diabetic. And blind. Since it’s a seeing eye dog.

Three

Solution: I break into the neighbor’s house and steal one of his CDs (Gloria Estefan and the Miami something something). The next day, I rub it with dirt, knock on his door and say, “Um, I think your dog left this on my lawn.” And he says thanks and invites me in. I feign thirst, and the blind guy heads into the kitchen to get me a glass of water. “Say, nice place you got here. Oh, is this a picture of your kids? Yeah?” I say, muffling the dog while forcing an eyepatch and boots onto it. I thank my host for the water and then leave.

Time passes.

On Halloween afternoon, I return to my neighbor’s place and knock on the door. He opens it and I pull out a lead pipe and knock him out. This may seriously injure him, but it serves my purposes. I shake him, saying, “Buddy! Buddy!” until he comes to. “What happened?” he says. “You were just about to take your dog trick-or-treating,” I tell him. “And then I knocked you out with this pipe, accidentally.” He doesn’t beleive me, but I point out that his dog is wearing an eyepatch and boots, which he confirms by touch. “I certainly don’t remember doing that!” he says, but feels obligated. I excuse myself and go back home.

That evening, my neighbor comes by with his dog. I give the dog a fudge bar and by morning the dog is dead. This leaves me elated, until four days later when I find a fresh coat of shit matted onto my lawn. I have killed the wrong dog.

Four

I decide to ask the neighbor if he’s seen any other similar-looking dogs around, only realizing my mistake after I ask. “Hi, sorry to bother you, what with the grieving and all, but have you seen any … I mean … do you … have you smelled or, uh, heard any dogs, lately, that look like … no, smell or sound like they, uh, might look like your old dog?” No? Fair enough.

I contact my brother who works for the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, and ask him if they have anything on tap that kills dogs and only dogs, and if he can mail it to me. He says they have a bunch — Enwoofalitis, Double Rabies, Doggie AIDS — but that they’re all totally off-limits and that he’d lose his job. “Come on,” I say, “You love losing your job for me!”

“Oh yeah,” he says, and three days later an aerosol spray can of Golden Re-fever arrives in my mailbox. I spray the lawn and, much to my delight, as the days wear on, the shit on my lawn gets more watery and pungent. The dog is dying!

Then, just on the cusp of my total victory, Jesus descends from heaven and grants the dog immortality. God-damn it!

Five

I wait 20 years. At 7:32 am on February 20, 2023, California sinks into the ocean in a massive earthquake and, while I die, that infernal dog is left to sink. “But dogs can swim!” you say. Oh yeah? Maybe so, but can they swim … FOR ETERNITY??

Volume 12- Issue 3

The Big Game Page

November 1, 2002

Are you ready for the 105th Big Game? Are you prepared to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the GREATEST PLAY in the history of college football? Nay, the greatest MOMENT in the history of the WORLD? As you await the sweet, sweet taste of assured, inevitable victory, allow us to prime the pump of our bottomless well of Stanford hate. So get ready to dig in to some tasty barbecued pine tree, as we roast Stanford over the flames of iniquity. Sports!!

Interview with Stanford Coach BUDDY TEEVENS (Booo!!!)

What’s your favorite type of cookie?

I enjoy chocolate chip cookies; who wouldn’t?

I don’t. Do you like milk with your cookies?

I’m lactose intolerant.

I’m sorry. How’s that working out for you? What do you drink?

Soy. Soy milk.

Is that stuff any good?

It’s not bad.

I could never drink soy milk.

You get used to it, actually.

Are you excited about the upcoming NFL playoffs?

Sure am.

Who’s your team?

Definitely the Jets.

Well, thanks for your time, Buddy.

My pleasure.

What’s the difference between Cal students and Stanford students?

CAL students … go to classes.
STANFORD students … go to classes AT STANFORD!

CAL students … eat burritos.
STANFORD students … eat WRAPS!

CAL students … are likely to be Asian.
STANFORD students … are LESS LIKELY to be Asian!

CAL students… have sex.
STANFORD students… have INTERCOURSE!

CAL students … wear blue and gold (and sometimes red, if they are not at a sporting event).
STANFORD students … wear red … EXCLUSIVELY!!!

POLL: What do you think about The Play ?

Cal Students:
Pretty good: 100%
Not so good: 0%

Stanford Students
Pretty good: 0%
Not so good: 100%

Mascot Match-up

| Tree (Dumb!!) | Oski (Yay!) || Real Name: | Reginald Ian Cunningham, Lord Westchester
| Oski Daniel O’Reilly
|
| Wheels: | 7
| 18
|
| Displacement: | 302 cu in
| 440 cu in
|
| Stories: | 37
| 55
|
| Elevators: | 6
| 8
|
| Exits: | 2
| 4
|
| Shoe Size: | N/A
| 18 1/2
|
| Vector: | 75 degrees S/SW
| N/NW
|
| Jazz Legend: | Miles Davis
| Thelonious Monk
|

Volume 12- Issue 3

Male Nipple Has Use

November 1, 2002
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Millenia of evolution were overcome on Tuesday, when Sophomore Matt Bausch’s usually pointless male nipples produced a drop of milk. The drop of milk, high in calcium and undoubtedly nourishing to a newborn child, squeezed forth during a basketball game in the Recreational Sports Facility.

Scientists theorize that Bausch’s male nipples, struggling valiantly against a complete lack of lactation glands and proper ducts, briefly gave meaning to the typically useless, vestigial male nipples.

They also theorized that the miracle of the life-giving milk, defying every scientific law, gave credence to either the existence of God or the ability of humanity to beat overwhelming odds.

Mr. Bausch did not notice the drop of milk, which was absorbed into his t-shirt and evaporated.

Volume 12- Issue 3

Disney Babes

November 1, 2002
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While Disney tries to hide phallic symbols in the back of its cutesy animated features, no one needs to slow down the tape to realize that the Disney princesses are really fucking hot. Think about it: what turns us guys on when watching a porno? The sexy girls on screen getting down with some hot, hot sex. Why should the Disney movies be any different? Sure, we never see them in the heat of the act, but we, as intelligent, insightful college students can infer and extrapolate. While most of us guys haven’t watched any of the Disney movies in a long time, maybe we should…

Snow White

Being the first Princess of the Disney clique, she’s the boss. And that’s perfectly alright, but I’m not sure I can handle Snow White’s BDSM 24-7. One thing’s for sure: Snow White is one kinky girl. If the idea of sex with a girl and seven dwarves sounds appealing then Snow White is the freak for you. A friend tried to tell me that she wasn’t hot, but I retorted that that’s because Snow White was made in the 1930s; hell, if she were drawn today, with that short black hair she’d so be an Indie kid. Just throw on some glasses, an ironic tank over a long sleeve shirt, and a few streaks of color into her hair and she’d be indistinguishable -A! but definitely a freak.

Sleeping Beauty

At first I didn’t see too much positive characteristics about this girl compared to the rest, I mean while she is a natural blonde, she probably isn’t the sexiest, nor does she have the most compelling personality, of the Disney Princesses. But then I realized, hey, she’s Sleeping Beauty! None of that boring post-sex talk: she, like me, is going to roll over and fall fast asleep. I mean, what the hell are we going to talk about anyway, sewing and spinning wheels?

Speaking of spinning wheels, I’d be a bit hesitant to get with this Magic Princess. While yes, she is Sleeping Beauty, do we forget that her sleeping spell is directly linked to her getting pricked by a needle? Now I may not be an MCB major, but I know that that’s not a normal reaction. Keeping this in mind, I’d be a little cautious around this beauty. If anything, make sure all your pricks are sheathed before spinning with this tainted Princess.

Cinderella

While yes, she is going to look the best at the ball, after a while you’ll probably just check your watch, looking to see how long ’til midnight. Think about it: she’s coming from a long day of dealing with her evil step-sisters, so the time you spend with her will probably be filled with all sorts of depressing anecdotes about her shitty life. And while you might think you’re getting a humble girl, don’t count too heavily on it; there’s some devilish twinkle in her eye that makes me think that once the tables are turned, she’d be a bit of a slob herself.

Belle

Probably the most intelligent girl in this list, Belle’s got that whole seductive-French thing going on. While in the movie she falls in love with the Beast, she’s probably let down at the end when the Beast (and his gigantic-sized pleasure apparatus) is reduced to normal human size. Poor girl. Looking at Beast, we see that she’s into rough and big guys. She also reads a lot. Expect to be playing out teacher fantasies with this hot brunette.

Jasmine

Jasmine brings “diversity” to Disney’s clique of Princesses. Jasmine comes equipped with a killer body, plus you just know she has a full working knowledge of the Kama Sutra (even though she’s not Hindu), and, lastly, there’s something erotic about having a girl with a pet tiger. Not a pussycat or a boring dog, a fucking tiger. She’s also the only Princess of the bunch who’s a formal princess by birth, not by some stupid twist of fate or under some strange provision that she’d be dressed like a peasant. That means Jasmine has the power of the free-flowing account of her father, the Sultan, and all the opulent wealth that accompanies his title. Hot sex + lots of cash = good times. I’d love to show her “A Whole New World.”

Ariel

Easily, the most scantily clad of the Princesses, I equate Ariel with some sort of Florida Beach girl. For some reason, with her sporty attitude and her seashell bikini, I can’t see her anywhere other than Spring Break in Miami Beach; you just know she’s going to let loose like any one of those Girls Gone Wild once you get a few Bacardis and a Sex on the Beach in her.

The quickest and most awkward negative observation is that, while she’s a really hot girl up top, she doesn’t have a proper vagina! So while this might not necessarily be a horrible thing, it definitely puts a kink in the normal way of sexual relations. Just remember Daryl Hannah in Splash, and you’ll catch my drift.

Nala

While officially not on Disney’s list of Magical Princesses, I’m inclined to disagree: why should a princess (or queen) be discounted merely because she walks around on all fours? Is that really a bad thing? The way I see it, Disney humanizes all its animals anyway, so if you get a little turned on when watching a lioness, it’s not your fault, it’s Disney’s. While normally I strongly frown upon any idea of bestiality, Nala’s my one exception: she’s got those deep, sexy eyes and, c’mon, who wouldn’t want to have sex with the queen of beasts? I’d do a lion, totally.

The negative side to Nala comes through the movie The Lion King itself. While I usually have a problem with bestiality, I really have a problem with pedophilia and for half of the movie, we have to deal with Nala as a cub. And, as if that’s not bad enough, her youthful status also reminds us of Simba as a cub, voiced by Jonathan Taylor Thomas. That’s definitely not a face I want to think of when trying to make sweet, sweet love to any lioness.